Co-Parenting with a Controlling Ex-Partner

There are many different ways to be when involved with someone who abuses control. The trick is to identify how to work with those individuals.

We instinctively and defensively do not want to work with them, and that is when we need to look ahead.


“Generational Sins”

Abusers make life really difficult for their victims.  If we looked back generationally, we might see patterns, and see that it is a generational problem.

We have to ask ourselves if we want our children to get caught in the generational cycle of abuse. They are watching and learning.

Our children should be aware of the wrongs that are going on, and we should teach our children right from wrong.

But in the end, we need to learn to co-exist, even with those who abuse power and control.


Learning to Cope

We need to be flexible brained.  We also need to have a process for when someone is abusing a process, or a person.

When someone is abusing their power it becomes necessary for someone to intervene.

All people are capable of change. It takes time. If individuals cannot safely do something, they should not be allowed to engage, until they can do it safely, and without taking away someone else’s liberties.

The system is a mess right now. It is necessary to identify the problems, and identify how we can live in the system, and potentially influence change, and to let go of what we cannot control, and what we cannot influence.


Coming to Terms

We cannot control our abusers. We can influence the Court. The Court can influence our abusers.   At this point, that is the best we can do.

Agreeing to conditions with our children’s other parent is difficult to swallow. We have to watch painfully as we see our children hurting. But until the system changes, the best we can do is put up processes to protect them, and to empower them.

It can take a long time.  For example, a parent refused to take the child to sports practices for  six years. Finally, after many years of building up the child, the child was able to speak up and the parent was able to agree to allow the child to participate in the sports practices.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

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“Pie, Felicia” Safe Space Project Proposal

Hello!

My name is Felicia Chew, and I am the owner of Felicia Chew Community Projects, located in Tucson, Arizona.  As a young woman, I was interested in operating a small business, just as my mother owned and operated her small business in Mountain View, California (Gini’s Beauty Salon).  I was Corresponding Secretary, Vice President, and member of Homestead High School’s Future Business Leaders of America.

However, I became a teacher, rather than a small business owner, and now after having a story to tell about my adventures of being a political candidate, a mom, a survivor of domestic violence, and an educator living in California, New Mexico, on the Zuni Indian Reservation, and in Arizona, I am back to my original dream of being a business leader in the community, with the ability to help our community have opportunity for success for all of our members.

I believe that each of us should be personally and socially responsible.  I have consciously chosen to operate as a for-profit business (giving back most of our revenue to community projects).  The business currently operates as a sole proprietorship, but we  recently began working with a Business Advisor at with the SBDC at Pima Community College, and learned about a new type of corporation (which we will be exploring with our Advisor).

I have a small team of community members who have been working (for free) to help our community.  As the owner of Felicia Chew Community Projects, I am working on the next step — having an income revenue to truly be able to employ community members.

To that end, I am seeking sponsors for “Pie, Felicia : Safe Space Project”, to help end systemic domestic violence. The project proposal is available at:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jQUz2M9gzs2dRQRAlGDuyC1qlL8WRbPUxy_UkbtufLU/edit?usp=drivesdk

We are currently seeking sponsors for covering the start-up costs of leasing the diner (located at 4520 N. Stone Avenue, Tucson, Arizona), and initial costs associated with operating the diner (utilities and maintenance).

Could you share this request with your family, friends, and colleagues, and commit to monthly contributions of $5 or more to help end systemic domestic violence?

Thanks for your time,

Felicia ❤
———–
Felicia Chew, Founder of Felicia Chew Community Projects

Call/Text 520.909.3888
www.feliciachew.com


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life; without each of us, our picture is incomplete. “

   

Republican? Asian? A woman?


Stop The Division Caused By Stereotypes :  Change The Way We Describe Others And Ourselves 


Advertisement emails that really bother me sound like:  “Republican leadership is putting our local parks on the chopping block.” I may get criticism from the PCDP for this post, but I think it is important to recognize the hate that this language perpetuates…

What if it said: “Chinese leadership is putting our local parks on the chopping block“, or “Female leadership is putting our local parks…” (I can hear the argument that “they” are not, and I understand that — keep reading…)

The statement above is from an email plea for donations, and the second paragraph in the email describes Mr. Trump’s decisions regarding some environmental issues.  The language of the email leads the reader to believe (subconsciously and implicitly) that ALL Republicans are against Parks.  My point in replacing the word “Republican” with other “identifying” people terms is that Mr. Trump does not represent ALL Republicans.

I understand that *some* members of the Democratic Party believe that the mission is to further *only* Democratic candidates; however, that is short-sighted. Today, more than ever, it is important to learn to be focused on issues, not party lines.


Snowballing and Systemic Failures

We cannot ignore, nor forget, the distress caused by domestic violence in 1 out of 4 women’s and 1 out of 7 men’s lives — violence that is witnessed by children, resulting in the children acting out — at home where the family is already stressed, and at schools where the teachers are already stressed.

The snowball effect compounded by the continued cycle of violence — and coupled with the current systems which address the symptoms more than the causes — result in more problems.

1280px-Cycle_of_Abuse


Local Solutions

How can we break the cycle?

  1. We can make a difference in our communities by getting to know our neighbors.  Say hello in the morning and say: “How are you?” After a while, the trust will build, and a conversation will begin.
  2. We can change the way we describe others. Instead of describing a neighbor as “the Asian lady who ran for City Council”, try saying “my neighbor with the two new kittens.” Yes, that means you need to know your neighbor, and that is my point!
  3. We can participate in neighborhood events (or we can host a neighborhood event!)

Event Listings

There are many sources that list local events.  Do a Google search of “local free events”, check Meet-Up and Craigslist.  Sign up for your city newsletter (contact your City Clerk’s office for more information).

Let’s get connected! Let’s build trust (safely and responsibly) in our communities.

NOTE: To build trust safely and responsibly, it requires conversation and courage:

  • Ask questions mindfully.  Remember that there is no shame in asking questions.  If someone tries to shame you for asking a question, simply say: “If I don’t ask, I don’t know.”
  • Listen to yourself.   If your “Spider Sense” is tingling, take a break.  Set your boundaries, and keep them.  There is no shame in keepimg boundaries.   If someone presses you on an issue, simply say: “No thanks.  I have to go.  I hope you have a good day.”
  • Be respectful, be kind.  Observation shows that people become upset when they feel like they have been disrespected.  Be respectful and kind.  For more tips on being kind, visit http://www.bensbells.org

Read more at http://www.feliciachew.com/blog and http://www.feliciachew.com/journey


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Hope for Our Future

Friends,

This post is my hope for our future, and my concession to the fight to keep my name on the ballot for the Amphitheater School Board.  We are simply out of time, and out of money to continue the appeal process.  I write this post, in the same fashion that I encourage my students – to ask ourselves if what we say is Truthful, Honest, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind.

During my campaign, I worked to change current policy (a “common interpretation” of a State statute), process (trust in community demonstrated by collecting only an excess of 10% for margin of error), and the budget (spending less than $1000 on the campaign).  Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful in the effort to change our systemically inequitable policies, processes, and use of budget to something more equitable:

The “common interpretation” and acceptance of the policy, processes, and use of budget proved to be stronger than Constitutional rights to liberty and justice for all.

To my opponents Mr. Kopec, Mr. Rabago, and Mr. Jurkowitz, well played.  Your understanding and use of the common interpretation of policies (the statutes that kept 105 individuals from having their signatures deemed valid), process (challenging an opponent’s signatures), and use of budget (over $3500 of private donations, and a cost to County taxpayers equal to Mr. Roads working overtime and at least two days of Mr. Jurkowitz’s worktime) were well played, and leading to your success.

To the 458 individuals who signed my nominating petitions (including myself and Mr. Kopec), my hope is that we will be able to go forth with the understanding that:

  1. Moving with vision and courage is difficult in our community;
  2. The work for making things better for #EachOfUs and #AllOfUs is limited by the status quo; and
  3. We must continue to be like water, working towards smoothing the rough edges of policies and processes, while finding creative ways to finance projects in order to promote the blessings of liberty for each of us and all of us — for ourselves and our posterity.

I will continue to work, with the Projects of my small business, and venues in the community. The Vision for Equity for each of us and all of us continues.  I hope you will continue to believe. To learn more (and offer support), visit my website at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv.

Viva! (la revolucion),
Felicia ❤ 🙂

Mama Bears and Systemic Inequity

I filed an appeal in the Arizona Supreme Court.  Kopec V Chew.  Case #CV-18-0248-AP/EL.  You can check it out at http://www.turbocourt.com (btw, I think it is pretty great that we can file online…. and I wonder when we will be able to sign City Council and School Board nominating petitions online?  Because that would balance out our inequitable system… of course, then we would need some better internet services in some areas of town — like mine — with a speed of “1”. And yes, people who have the “upperhand” would be against such “improvements”, because we would be leveling the playing field… helping to end systemic inequity, and from their viewpoint “taking away their power and control).

I am pretty sure I was given the short end of the stick, by going for it (filing with the Supreme Court), without an attorney (Note: I could have had an attorney in Superior Court… for $5000… which is two months’ pay for me, but a drop in the bucket for others). In fact, according to the document, it looks like Mr. Jurkowitz is my attorney — which could not be further from the truth, because he is arguing that the Superior Court’s judgment should be upheld.

Let’s dig a little deeper.  Mr. Jurkowitz is just doing his job.  At the top of the page is another name — Barbara LaWall.  I have spoken with Ms. LaWall on three occasions… riding down the elevator in the Legal Services Building, at an Arizona List meeting, on the sidewalk in front of the LSB… two were nothing more than a hello, but one was a conversation about how a young man was being held in jail for protecting his mother and young sister from his abusive father.  Her comment was something like that the young man had broken the law, so he should have to face the law.  While I agree, legalistically, and as my “lawful good” 3rd edition Dungeons and Dragons character, I cannot help but think about the more human part of that comment.

I cannot help but think about how restorative practices and alternate methods for “handling” situations like the young man’s are necessary.  I cannot help but think of the day that I held a gun at one of my abusers.  I did not pull the trigger, but that was my tipping point.  The moment when I realized that I would no longer sit by idly while the abuse continued.

Friends, community members… we are facing systemic injustices daily — in crimes, in domestic violence, in schools, at work.

When 20% of our population struggles with making ends meet, then we have a problem.   Our public education systems should be empowering our community to be able to advocate for themselves, and support themselves.  Taking away the co-dependency on the current government structure is necessary… because the current structure is full of gaps, and works to protect the outdated job descriptions.

Times are changing, and policies should change.  Instead of banning cell phones from classrooms, we should be teaching our youth how to approrpiately use this technology.

Instead of silencing our youth, we should be listening to their creative ideas.

“Progress is slow,” they tell me and you.

I see people digging their heels in, because they are afraid.  And when they are afraid, they enter crisis.  They enter survival mode.  They respond with fight, flight, or freeze.

I get it.  I was there for a long time, and with my PTSD (self-diagnosed based on the description of PTSD, and mindful reflection on ny behaviors), I find myself faced with responding while in crisis… and not always coming across as being kind.  I am hypervigilant. I have a sense of urgency that others might not have.

I am validated by older women in the community, who have seen the complacency after the suffrage movement.  I am validated by other Asians and other minority groups.

I stand for the “underdog”. Stand WITH me.  Not in front of me.  Not behind me.  Not beside me.  But WITH me.  Stand for equity.  Stand for liberty.  Stand for justice.  Stand for ourselves and our posterity.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

 

“Chew’s Puzzling Stances”

There was an article written about me, called “Chew’s puzzling stances”.   It is a great pun on my motto: “We are each a piece of the puzzle of life; without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Interestingly enough, my “stances” are also puzzling in the adjectival sense, probably because of my personal and socio-cultural-economic experiences.

People don’t understand why I root for the underdog.

I root for the underdog because I know what it feels like to be the underdog.  I know what it feels like to be an outsider.  I know what it feels like to be helpless, and surrounded by people.

Personal Experiences : Helpless and Surrounded by People

Scenario One.  We were at a house party and I had an allergic reaction to wine.  I could feel my chest tightening up, I was having difficulty breathing, and no one noticed.

Scenario Two.  We were at a fast food restaurant, and my friend was ordering food.  My sons were chatting away.  I have always been friendly, and said hello to a man who was asking for food.  I shook his hand at the greeting.  He would not let go.  I was afraid to cause a scene.

Growing Up in Silicon Valley

I was born and raised in California, in a city called Sunnyvale, which is now the heart of Silicon Valley.  I took ballet and piano lessons starting at age 5, and was the youngest and only daughter in a family of five.  Mom immigrated when she was in her 20’s, and after marrying Dad, enrolled in English classes, taught at the local Chinese School, got her cosmetology license, owned a beauty salon, and then retired.  Dad immigrated when he was around 7 years old.  Granddad wanted him to take over the family laundry business, but Dad didn’t want to do that.  Dad went to UCBerkeley, became an aerospace engineer, and worked for one of the major aerospace companies, then retired.  My brothers and I were never in want of anything.  Mom volunteered at our elementary school, the whole family went to years of marching band performances, and ballet and piano recitals.  We knew that when we graduated from high school, we would be heading to college.

The Rebel

Stereotypical Chinese girls are quiet and well-behaved.  I was the rebel.  I was told that my mom watched the movie “The Joy Luck Club” (based on the book of the same title by Amy Tan), and when she saw the character of Jing-Mei (June), she exclaimed: “That’s just like Felicia!”

I was not quiet.  I was not well-behaved.  I talked back to my mother, used curse words (until I realized they made me angry and angrier, and some people would refuse to talk with me), and secretly dated boys when I was in high school.

I wanted to go to UCLA.  My parents wanted me to go to UCDavis.  I went to UCDavis.  My parents wanted me to become a pharmacist.   I wanted to become a CEO of a company and I enrolled in Economics.  That changed after I took my Statistics class. I changed to an English major, then eventually to an Individual Major (Asian-American Studies, based on the program at UCBerkeley).

I was pregnant during my last year at the University (secret dating problems), married at age 22 (my parents refused to come to my wedding), and worked a variety of odd jobs with the schools and the City,  before deciding to enroll in the Teaching Certification program at the University.  I became a teacher, and moved steadily into leadership roles, eventually becoming the District’s Alternative Education Interventions Coordinator, working with the students who were in danger of failing, mostly because of lack of skill and interest.  I implemented a series of “Back Door” classes, “tricking” students into learning Math, Reading, and Writing through Art, Music, and Games.

After that, I moved to the Zuni Indian Reservation, where my salary was around $17,000 annually, and included a two-bedroom flat in the teacherage, and meals during the school day.

From there, I moved into the Cibola National Forest, to help build a fortress for the end of days.

And from there, I moved to Tucson, where my current work is ending systemic domestic violence.

The million dollar question is “Why did I rebel?” What did I dislike so much that I had to go against my family’s wishes?

Guilt and shame

I wasn’t always a rebel.  But once I became a rebel, there was no turning back.

I have a long history of guilt and shame.

In Grade Four, I was at a friend’s sleepover.  When it came time to get out our sleeping bags and change, one of the girls made a big deal out of wearing a bra.  I remember asking: “You have to take your bra off when you sleep?” (I was not yet wearing a bra). And she sneered at me, and made a snarky comment.  I felt so embarrassed to have asked an innocent question.  I think it was the same way Stephen King’s Carrie felt when the students laughed at her for using a tampon to blot her lipstick.

In Grade Six, I was at a new school, and I had a huge crush on a boy, who we will call Donald.  Donald was the stereotypical cute boy with blond hair blue eyes and dimples.  He was well-liked.  This was the time when I started to hate myself…. because he was also racist.  He called me names like “Flat face” and asked pointed questions like: “Why are your eyes so slanty?”  I began to hate myself.  I wished I had blond hair, blue eyes,  a cute ski jump nose, and that I was named Linda.

In Grade Seven, I was at a friend’s house and we were hanging out in her parents’ room.  She said: “Oh, you have to leave now, my dad is getting out of the shower, and he’s going to be naked.” I said, “Aren’t you coming too?” She said: “No.  He’s my dad.  I see him naked all the time.”  I think my eyes got wide and I was super embarrassed.  Hindsight being 20/20, maybe she was embarrassed, too? We stopped hanging out a short time after that incident.

In Grade Eight, I invited a boy who I had a crush on to my birthday celebration.  He asked me if there would be cake and ice cream.  (Yes, I had been planning on having cake and ice cream). That was the same year that we sat next to each other in History class, and he would reach over, and grab my vagina, and ask if I had hair on my nipples.

Sex was taboo, and not talked about in my family.

So, when I was in Grade Nine, and a family friend’s son tried to have sex with me, I had a hard time telling my parents.  When I did, my mom decided that we would no longer spend time with that family.  I felt terrible.  I felt like it was my fault because I had “led him on” when he pulled the “I am stretching let me put my arm around you and on your breast” move, and I held his hand so it wouldn’t be on my breast.

And then, while in my senior high of high school, and my first year in college, I felt ashamed because I could not get good grades in my math and science classes.

And in my last year of college, I felt ashamed when my parents did not come to my wedding.

Understanding that “We do the best that we can do”

I was depressed.  I was suicidal.  A friend, and therapy found me.  Therapy helped.

Another friend suggested I take St. John’s wort.  I had been on the birth control pill and it made me feel terrible.  And, I believed there were naturopathic ways (non pill — especially prescription medicines).

I teach others to listen to their bodies.  Ask questions.  Find the root cause.  I have always done that, and continue to do that.

I have learned that pepople do the best that they can do.  They share the solutions that they know about.

“That they know about”.

What we know is limited by our personal experiences and our echo chambers.  This is why I share the information that I share.  I share ALL of it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have learned that if we do not prepare others for the bad and the ugly, they may feel as though they are facing the problems and challenges alone.  That is when they go into crisis mode.  And with crisis mode, the response is fight, flight, or freeze.

“Fight, Flight, or Freeze”

This is where I am selfish.  Whether another community member chooses fight, flight, or freeze, that choice will eventually affect me.  And quite frankly, I don’t want myself, my family, or my friends to be a casualty of war, like in Spike Lee’s “Menace to Society” (the image of the tricycle on its side with its wheel spinning after the drive by is ingrained in my memory.”)

“If Not Me, Then Who?”

The question in the 90’s for new teachers was “If not me, then who?” Some teachers have a problem with the question.  Not me.

If we do nothing, we become complacent.  When we become complacent, we become slothful.  When we become slothful, we eventually cease to exist.

Not pessimistic. Realistic.

Puzzled still?  Let’s have a cup of coffee or tea… or contact me through this website for a courageous conversation.

Remember: YOU are beautiful, intelligent, and amazing! #Truth


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Golden Pin Lane Factoids

Did you know…

  • There are 30 employees at the Bowl
  • Many special programs have been at the Bowl for many years.
  • Ten to twelve Junior Bowlers bowl regularly at Golden Pin Lanes.  Five of the Golden Pin Lane bowlers went to the Nationals in Dallas in August 2017.  Golden Pin Lanes has the facilities to challenge these young bowlers.
  • Many individuals who are visually impaired use the facility and are familiar with the layout of the Bowl; there are not barriers in the middle of the facility.  The transition to a new facility could potentially be detrimental to progress and personal health.
  • Out of town tournament bowlers spend approximately $277 per person for each night (Office of Arizona Tourism)
  • 15.9% of Pima County residents are disabled (City of Tucson, 2015)  Bowling is friendly and open to all different levels of physical abilities. Bowling is the most popular sport for Special Olympians.
  • Open State Tournaments need 48 lanes to host their annual open tournament.  GPL is the only 48 lane house in Tucson.
  • Eight to ten local community organizations use the facilities regularly to help clients with physical therapy.
  • Bowling is considered to be among the most popular sport in the Special Olympics.  it is a particularly beneficial sport to people with intellectual disabilities, irrespective of their age or sports abilities, since it ensures physical exercise and at the same time participation and social integration. (www.specialolympics.org)
  • Participation in a league helps in building relationships and friendships, introducing new players to a big group of people who share a common interest, whether it be in a competitive league atmosphere, or just a fun/social league. (www.bowlcanada.ca)
  • Stress is simply a part of our lives, perhaps more so today than in the past.  Bowling engages us in physical activity, which is a known stress reliever, and also involves a significant amount of socializing with fellow bowlers, both teammates and the competition.  The combination of both physical activity and social interaction help make bowling a stress reliever for many. (www.bowlcanada.ca)
  • Youth On Their Own is one of the many local organizations that Golden Pin Lanes supports through fundraisers?
  • Golden Pin Lanes donates packages for local organizations for raffle prizes?
  • The Gem Show reserves the whole house annually?  They love the size and proximity!
  • The Pima County Hotel occupancy rate in April, May, and June of 2018 was up 3.8% from last year, partly due to the Open State Tournament.
  • Since 2011, there have been more than 900 athletes who participate in annual events at the Golden Pin Lanes.
  • The Pima County Board of Supervisors is responsible for providing direction to the County Administrator to ensure safe communities, nurture economic development, and protect public health.
  • There is a pro shop inside Golden Pin Lanes that will be affected by the closing of the facility

 

What People are Saying About Golden Pin Lanes

“I bring my grandchildren to Golden Pin Lanes.  I have brought my young teenagers to Golden Pin Lanes, and we all had a good time.  We will miss it because it is a community space.  Everyone has spent time here.  I used to come here when I was younger.  I used to come here dancing, starting in the 60’s”  – Janet L., age 81

“Golden Pin Lanes is a family oriented sport that does not lead to CTE.  Save the bowl!” – Jim M., age 62

“Happy, healthy people don’t commit crimes.  Bowling makes happy, healthy people.  Save Golden Pin Lanes!”  – Felicia C. , age 47

“What the County intends to do is a waste of money.  There are too many positive interactions with the community that happen at Golden Pin Lanes on a daily basis.” – Sandra W., age 54

“As an employee, I have been here 14 years.  My children have bowled here.  I grew up bowling here.  I’ve worked the PBA Tournaments when they used to be here.  I’ve also worked the Big Brother Big Sister, Youth on their Own, Special Olympics, Bowl for the Cure, Bikers Against Child Abuse events.  We host the Gem Show (and close the bowling alley to the public).  We have City, State, Youth Tournaments, King and Queen, and Pepsi have bowled here!  I don’t want to go look for another job.  I have invested 14 years here! My daughter serves in Kuwait, she is a faithful league bowler and she used to bowl for Flowing Wells. I’m on a League, and my sons are, too.”  –  Employee, Golden Pin Lanes.

Felicia Raw and Uncut. September 8, 2018

This is a re-post, raw and uncut, of my response, originally to the comment of my friend’s response to my comment on a friend’s Facebook page regarding schools “now” having an economic gap:


As Interventions Coordinator for the Alternative Ed program at my District in California…. I taught for and worked up to Admin at a 21st century pilot middle school. Our Boards need to be looking outside the box. I am so disappointed that the political machine believes it is more important to be rigid about rules, rather than doing what is best for kids. Actually, I am more than disappointed, but stronger language might get me banne from Facebook.

It would be nice if the politixal people in Tucson would look past their egos and their limited perspective understanding.

I am beginning to understand why Tucson is 102 out of 180. Christopher, ugh. That is all I can say at this point.

When people stand idly by, or drink the koolaid and stop questioning, then we really have a problem.

Sorry for the massive tangent, but I am just a little more than a little irritated by many people who claim to be “for the people”, and criticize me for asking us to to look at the big picture.

I am seriously so done with the safety pin. And now I am irritated by the talk about people burning their Nikes.

Freedom of speech is freedom of speech for all. That includes hate speech. Which sounds terrible, I know. But shaming them and blaming them? Those folks are no better. Ask yourself WHY they hate. Go pick up a copy of Arnold Lobel’s fables, and read the one about the character leaving pushpins everywhere.

Get out of echo chambers!!!!

Why do I care? Because y’all are affecting my ability to pursue happiness, telling me that I have to be bound by a seatbelt and pay bucks for car insurance.

Economic inequity and economic control by oppressors are the people writing policies that are supposed to be “helping others”.

News flash: y’all are coddling and creating the entitled “babies” that y’all complain about.

The solution? Quit shaming. Quit blaming. Quit trying to control others, and quit creating rules that put people into deeper panic and crisis.

Vent done.

“Much love”
Felicia ❤

P.S. To the trolling “MuckRaker”, rake away. Then turn around and rake your own muck.

#EmotionalCleansing #NoApologies #JustDoIt #Enough