What Causes Domestic Violence?

Q. What is the opposite of love?
A. Control

Q. What causes Domestic Violence?

A. Absence of empathy… and not being taught emotional maturity.

What emotional immaturity sounds like (blaming):


–  You made me –

– You need to –


Domestic Violence is emotional immaturity on steroids.  It looks like:
– Blaming –
– Playing the Victim –
– Self pity –
– Manipulation – control using weapons:

  • Weapon #1 Playing the Victim – I came home from work…. I am so tired…. Play the victim to make someone feel guilty; gaslighting
  • Weapon #2 Blasting – verbally assaulting another person with a barrage of words and/or emotions
  • Weapon #3 Intentional misinterpretation – That’s not what I said. Make you feel crazy
  • Weapon #4 One up manship – you wouldn’t talk to your brother this way; I only want beer, not heroin

Emotional Maturity must be taught – Emotional responsibility means taking total responsibility for thoughts, feelings, behaviors, choices, and perceptions.

A person’s real age is their emotional age.

Think about this… That thing that you said made you mad, what if that isn’t what made you mad? What if the person said bla bla bla, and a bag with a thousand dollars appeared… would you be mad? No? So… the words didn’t make you mad.  Your lack of being in control made you mad.


When working with others, Be aware of Victim blaming/ Manipulation… “You left your curtains open and your door unlocked. It’s your fault.” (You think…. “Ohhhhhh…  maybe it is my fault”)  No no no!  It is not your fault!!

Domestic Violence perpetrators are “teenagers”. (When you put on your glasses that show emotional age).

Did you know… Self-control and empathy can be affected neurologically  due to lack of contact during development for an overly charged limpic system?  (Note:  This should not be used as an excuse!  Just as information, so the individuals can identify strategies to bridge the gaps).


Remember: We are responsible for our own actions, and we can teach and share info…

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”


The Wheel of Power and Control

Screenshot_20160629-175733Domestic violence is not just physical.  It can also be verbal, religious, mental, sexual, and financial.  The wheel of Power and Control helps explain the different types of power that narcissistic sociopaths may impose upon their victims.

Many perpetrators of violence start at exercising low levels of control over others (including small children, pets, and animals), which can escalate and become violent, and end in death.

It is important to have an understanding of these types of power and control, so that we are able to make choices on relationships to engage in.

Everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  No one is “less than” any other human being.

If you see these signs of power and control being exercised in a relationship, speak up — we have the responsibility to one another, because our children are watching, and they are likely to use these “tactics” to attempt to control others, and when unable, if unguided, to satisfy their needs.

“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”



What is Systemic Domestic Violence?

What IS systemic domestic violence?

Systemic domestic violence is domestic violence that occurs due to the system.  This includes policies and programs that exist (or don’t exist), that perpetuate the cycle of domestic violence.


For example, when people are in crisis mode, they revert to basic human survival needs : fight, flight, or freeze.  Many individuals are in survival mode, due to current policies and programs that exist (or don’t exist).  Most notably, individuals lack empathy and empowerment.


20180618_194638Golden Pin Lanes is located on W. Miracle Mile Road.  It is a gathering place for the community to come together, and enjoy time together.  It is at risk of being bought and converted into office buildings, taking a family-friendly establishment and turning it into office buildings.  We can have both faclities in the area — the property across the street is also for sale.

The Oracle Area Revitalization Project was tasked with finding ways to improve the economy of Ward 3, one of the poorest areas in Tucson.  The acquisition of Golden Pin Lanes — a vibrant, recently remodeled community entertainment venue — into office buildings destroys the community that gathers in Ward 3 to enjoy life.  Yes, there are plans of building a new bowling facility in the District, but that requires Tucsonans to have transportation to get to the District.

The costs of time for travel, the costs out of pocket, and the costs to the environment for transportation are unnecessary and unfair, widening the already wide gap between socio-economic classes in Tucson.

We need to do the right thing, not take the easy way out.

Please join me in sending a clear message to the Board if Supervisors, and Mayor and Council that we have had enough of the socio-economic disparities caused by bureaucracy.

I have already contacted Pima County Supervisor Bronson, Pima County Supervisor Elias, and Tucson City Mayor and Council regarding our concerns with the acquisition of Golden Pin Lanes.

What can you do to help?

1. Please copy and paste the letter below, and send to our Board of Supervisors and City Council members to encourage them to seek alternative options!  You can copy and paste the letter below, and sign it with YOUR NAME;  

2. Like and follow the Facebook Group #SaveOurTucson for updates and calls to action;

3. Sign the petition to #SaveGoldenPinLanes;

4. Share this page with friends, family, and colleagues. 

Thank you!

Email Addresses:

Mayor mayor1.CHPO3.CHDOM2@tucsonaz.gov
Ward1  ward1@tucsonaz.gov
Ward2  ward2@tucsonaz.gov
Ward 3 ward3@tucsonaz.gov
Ward4 ward4@tucsonaz.gov
Ward5 ward5@tucsonaz.gov
Ward6 ward6@tucsonaz.gov

district1@pima.gov; district2@pima.gov; district3@pima.gov; district4@pima.gov; district5@pima.gov

Dear Mayor and Council, and Board of Supervisors,
How are you? I hope you are well.  I am contacting you regarding the acquisition of Golden Pin Lanes.  I am concerned about the pending acquisition.  The Golden Pin Lanes is a community outlet in an area struggling for having community outlets.  The planning group for the 2nd Miracle Mile Car Show,  recently met to plan for October 2018. We are asking that you help the Board of Supervisors reconsider purchasing Golden Pin Lanes, and select the site across the street instead.  We understand that the owner of Golden Pin Lanes is aging, and had hoped to sell to someone who would continue to operate it as a bowling alley.  The owner across the street is also aging, and is interested in selling.  Perhaps the Board could consider purchasing both (or leasing Golden Pin Lanes, and allowing current management to run the operations?  My understanding is that the facility is operating at a profit.  Maybe outside the box thinking and do a co-lease with the City’s Parks and Rec?).  Oracle Area Revitalization Project Community Member Hanson Fotherby’s comments are below:
“I would like to let you know that a few days after the Golden Pin Lanes Bowling Center meeting… and I pointed out the telephone number… on the sign across the street on the southwest corner of Fairview and West Miracle Mile Road, I called around the Pima County offices and was put in contact with a man who is in the office that is in charge of finding land for the County. I told him about the owner across the street, gave him the man’s name, address and telephone number and told him that the owner of the land is very old and when I talked to him over a year ago he was quite interested in selling it. The man in the office then looked up the property, took down the information and told me he would present it to the people in charge at a meeting he was attending that afternoon. He said that the County had heard a lot of dissonant voices concerning the sale of the bowling center and he told me that they wanted to do due diligence to all other possibilities before they went through with it. 
I also told him that he should build on the southwest corner of Fairview and West Miracle Mile because 1.) They will be tearing down a place close by for their employees to go to eat and relax for lunch and after work. 2.) The southwest corner is mostly bare land so they can build their offices to suit their needs there and not have to tear everything apart and try to suit the bowling center to their needs. 3.) The bowling center just spent millions on renovation and employs a number of people who would be put out of work and county employees using their services could keep them in employment. 4.) The present southwest corner looks decayed and poor and county employees would have to look at it every day as they get in and out of their vehicles in the parking lot.”
Please stop the acquisition of Golden Pin Lanes as an office building, and keep Golden Pin Lanes in our community!
Thank you for your time,

“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life; without each of us, our puzzle is incomplete.”

Lesson Eighty-Eight : Macaron Mishap


When I worked at the Bakery, my task was to help prepare the displays in the morning.  That included putting the trays of eclairs, cream puffs, lemon tarts, macarons, napoleons, pecan tarts, almond tarts, slices of chocolate raspberry cake, temptation cake… and other fancy desserts that our pastry chefs had prepared into the display case on the right side (as customers walked in) of the store.

The great thing about this job was that it was simple, peaceful, and happy.  The customers who came into the store were happy to be receiving delicious treats, and I was happy to work for a few hours, and be able to spend the rest of the day with my 4-year old son, who was at the pre-school across fhe street.

On this particular morning, as I was sliding the case of macarons onto the shelf, and waiting for the try to touch the edge of the glass that protected the pastries from the drool that dripped from customers’ mouths as they salivated in anticipation of consuming the best French pastries in town — there was one problem — I was daydreaming.

I continued to gently push the tray forward, so that the customers arriving in 30 minutes would be able to gaze upon the delicate pastries, and make their selections… forgetting that it was the display case to the left (with the croissants, danishes, and bearclaws) that the tray edge touched the glass.

There was no glass for the tray to touch.

And it was not long before the center of balance caused the tray to tip, and macarons slid down the front of the crystal clear glass that people bumped their heads into).  And tip, the tray did.

The. Entire. Tray.

Macarons spilled off of the tray, like an untapped waterfall, tumbling against the sparkly clear glass that protected the delicate treats from customers’ drool, landing in a heap at the front of the case.

Mild panic entered my heart, but my partner in crime, Karen, had already spring into action, lightning quick to clean up the macarons, which by now had also rolled back onto the floor on our side of the counter after bouncing off the inside of the glass, and lying helplessly at my feet — their one job in life (to be enjoyed by a soul craving its delicate light fluffiness) — snatched instantly from them, with no second chance available.

There was no blaming.  No shaming.  No yelling.  Just hands working quickly to clean up my mess.  Verbal directions to guide me through my shock and dismay. “Grab your tray.  Pick those up.” “It’s okay.  Accidents happen.”

And we worked together to clean everything up, and finish setting the display.

When the doors opened, no one else knew what had happened earlier that morning.  My mistake was wiped away.  Clean.

But I knew.

I knew the financial cost of my mistake.  I knew also, that the cost of the macarons was my responsibility — no one else’s.  Not my friend who I was daydreaming about.  Not the shelf maker for the shelf not touching the glass.  Not the tray maker or the macaron baker or the weather or anything or anyone.

The responsibility rested squarely on ny shoulders.  Someone had to pay for those macarons.  Me.  I had to.  It was my mistake.  So, I did.

I couldn’t afford the retail price, but I could afford the wholesale price.  I didn’t tell my boss until after I rang it up and put it in the register, because he had already told me not to worry about it.

And when I trained new folks who joined our team, I made sure to point out that the shelf does not touch the glass.

To Think About:

Who would have paid if I had not paid? Would prices have gone up?

Take Aways

Personal responsibility leads to more personal responsibility.

Mindfulness trumps all.


#EachOfUs #AllOfUs #OurChildrenAreWatching