#STOJOHOFE

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Transcend Tucson is more than just trauma informed courts. Transcend Tucson is trauma informed communities. Transcend Tucson ends poverty. Transcend Tucson also ends hopelessness and homelessness.

Transcend Tucson is a Civil Rights Movement.

How do we transcend Tucson? We address fear. We address hopelessness. We use compassion, humanity, empathy, and wisdom. We share stories, journeys, hopes, and fears.

How does Transcend Tucson end poverty, homelessness, and systemic domestic abuse? Poverty, homelessness, and systemic domestic abuse are stigmatized. People who are poor, homeless, and victims of systemic domestic abuse are looked down upon. The shame and guilt that accompany being In poverty, homeless, or the victim of Domestic abuse coercively destroys our Community. When we divide our Community through shaming and blaming, we cannot stand together. It is time for connectivity.

We can end systemic domestic abuse when we Transcend Tucson. Please join us in this very important work and journey. For more information, use our connect with us page, or call or text us at 520.909.3888.

#StopTheSame
#StopBlame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering #STOJOHOFE


Transcend Tucson is a Project of Felicia Chew Community Projects. Other Felicia Chew Community Projects include: The Tucson Quilt Project, The Tucson Zines, Save Golden Pin Lanes, SpeakUp, City Issues and Events, STEM For All, Think, Domestic Violence Awareness Series, “Pie,Felicia!” and Vote Felicia Chew.

Other work of our founder Felicia Chew includes Bring Back Kidco Summer Meals Programs, Free Bus Day On All-Mail Voting Days, Back Door Programs, 6-Week Awards, and Community Cares Project.

You can support Transcend Tucson by purchasing something from our Etsy Shop, making a direct contribution, or by signing up to volunteer.

Thanks for your support of this very important work.

/Kalamajong

❤ Felicia

Accountability: Lawyers

…”lawyers have an Oath and Creed that they should be following when representing clients…”

What to Expect:

In regards to Family Law in Arizona, lawyers have the responsibility to follow the Arizona Rules Family Law Procedure.

Additionally, lawyers have an Oath (see below) and Creed that they should be following when representing clients.  Organizations such as the BAR work to ensure that lawyers are following the oath and creed.  Unfortunately, lawyers may fall into the trap of unethical practices for a variety of reasons, including stress, unresolved trauma, and vicarious trauma.  When that happens (because lawyers are human), it is easy to continue on that downward spiral.  This is why it is important for agencies such as the BAR to do their work, of ensuring Lawyers are following an agreed upon code and creed.

This amended version of A Lawyer’s Creed of Professionalism of the State Bar of Arizona became effective January 1, 2017.

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The Unfortunate Reality.

When it is apparent that the lawyer is not following the oath and/or creed, a complaint can be filed the BAR.*

*Note: When filing the complaint,  you must cite the Ethical Violations of the attorney and provide substantiating evidence (as the BAR only has resources to look at the evidence provided, they don’t dig into it).  Reference the State Bar of Arizona: Rules of Professional Conduct.

While it may be difficult to file the complaint, it must be done in order to maintain accountability and ethics in the profession, and safety for children and other vulnerable persons.  Individuals who have experienced domestic abuse are more likely to have difficulty with filing complaints and guilt, shame, and fear set in.  This is why it is necessary to consider elevating this action to the same level as reporting abuse of a child — punishable as a criminal offense.

Together, we can help end the cycle of systemic domestic abuse by proxy.


To support our work, consider a direct contribution,  or a purchase from the Transcend Tucson Etsy Shop.  Thank you!


This page is hosted by Felicia Chew Community Projects.  We recognize that the lack of a trauma informed community and the lack of trauma informed Courts perpetuates the cycle of domestic abuse.  Won’t you attend a trauma informed community course?  #StopTheShame #StopTheBlame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering


Connect with us via our Contact Page, or vial email at feliciachewcommunityprojects@gmail.com, or by phone/text at 1.520.909.3888

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FCCP End of Decade Report

Incredibly, another decade is just about to end!  Here is a brief overview of what we accomplished this decade.

2010 – 220 little books from “The Adventures of Happy Joy” were donated to schools on the Zuni Indian Reservation and in the Gallup, New Mexico area.

2011 – We moved to Tucson, Arizona and became involved with Emerge!, the PTO at Holaway Elementary School, and with the City of Tucson’s Citizen Police Advisory Review Board.  We worked in the community at La Baguette Bakery.

2012 – We became involved with the Valley of the Moon, the Watershed Management Group, and the Tucson Origami Club.  We worked in the community at Bright Star Learning Center, the Home Depot, at KFMA Day, and the Amphitheather School District.

2013 to 2016 – We continued to build relationships in the community, and helped bring the breakfast and lunch program back to KIDCO.  We sat on Community Boards in the Amphitheater Public School District and we became Association Representatives at our schools.  We spoke up against bullies in Administration.

2017 – We continued to build relationships in the community, and Felicia campaigned for the Ward 3 Seat on the Tucson City Council, which was supported by amazing women like Laura Hogan, Laura Enriquez, Cathy Nichols, Casey Murray, Sawsan, Ferdane, and Mary.  We trained to be crisis responders and victim advocates with the Pima County Victim Services Division.

2018 – We became licensed in the City of Tucson as Felicia Chew Community Projects.  We hosted four Help End Systemic Domestic Violence events, and were supported by amazing musicians including Al Perry, Eb Eberlein, Jacques Taylor, Meka Love, Kuuleme Stephens.  We worked to Save Golden Pin Lanes and started working for the Environmental Education Exchange, helping to educate our youth about the importance of sustainability.  We secured a contract with the County as a Library Presenter.

2019 – We hosted the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness Series #TheSameButDifferent, in conjunction with The Screening Room and Downtown Radio.  We participated in the Border Patrol Citizen’s Academy, and the CIVX Project.  Felicia re-registered as a No Party Preference voter, and filed to campaign for Pima County Supervisor (District 3).  We became Courtwatchers and started an Etsy site.  We reached over 100 viewers on Facebook! Live with the Domestic Violence Awarness Series.  We accompanied victims and survivors to Court, and spent time listening and responding to victims in crisis through the Domestic Violence Support Services.  We received an average of one call per week.  We continued work with the Tucson Quilt Project.

2020 and beyond.  We will continue the work to empower community members, so that we can break the cycle of systemic domestic abuse.


Financial overviews

2018.  We started a little rough, and ended with no carryover.

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2019.  We started a little rough again, but this time, we are ending with funds to pay for our business license, become an LLC, and we have set aside a little for beginning of the year expenses.

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In 2020, we will continue to operate as a for-profit business, and work to Transcend Tucson.  We thank you for your continued support!

Kalamajong.

❤ Felicia


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This site hosted by Felicia Chew Community Projects.  Connect with us by email at feliciachewcommunityprojects@gmail.com, phone/text at 520.909.3888, or our Connect With Us form.  Contribute to us at www.feliciachew.com/support, or through our Etsy site at www.etsy.com/shop/transcendtucson.


 

How do we get a handle on domestic abuse?

1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 7 men experience domestic abuse.  Those who are abused and vulnerable are caught in the frustrating and deadly cycle of domestic abuse.

How do we get a handle on domestic abuse?

There is no “one right answer”, because there are many reasons for abusers’ continued practices.  Domestic abuse is about control… and can become abusive when individuals force control of others (e.g. their pets, partners, and children) because individuals lack control over their own lives (due to mas ny reasons which might include feeling helpless due to finances, religion, etc.)

We need to recognize that increased experiences of “lack of control” by individuals results in control (often abusive) over those who are vulnerable.

Too many current accepted practices feed into domestic abuse.  Here are a few areas that could benefit from changes in policies, practices, and programming to help break the cycle of systemic domestic abuse:

  • Trauma informed Courts that provide rulings that protect the vulnerable, and help end the abusive practices of perpetrators, and help perpetrators find peace with their inner struggles;
  • End the practice of shaming, blaming, and guilting of victims through examples of healthy and appropriate language, actions, and boundary setting, with instruction in non-abusive tactics (e.g. available through public and private education courses in libraries, staff trainings, schools, television, movies, books, etc);
  • Empower victims to speak up through programs that foster awareness and support that break the cycle (e.g. support groups and  therapeutic programs);
  • Reduce the instances of backing perpetrators and victims into a corner (e.g. through sensitivity training and de-escalation courses);
  • Recognize and address accepted abusive cultural and generational practices (e.g. through cultural awareness training and education);
  • Provide safe spaces, and as much time as needed for de-escalation (e.g. QTs have Safe Spaces which are a good start, but something like “Pie, Felicia!” http://www.feliciachew.com/safespaceproject would provide a more well-rounded service);
  • Ensure that officers of the law are trauma informed and can recognize signs of domestic abuse (e.g. through observation and review);
  • Appropriate placements, training, and mental health support for officers of the law who further traumatize victims — and further embolden perpetrators (e.g. through review and training);
  • Continued support for families who have experienced domestic abuse (e.g. immediate assistance for families who have experienced domestic abuse by individuals who have ability to respond and assist immediately with de-escalation supports — such as peer support, crisis lines, physical spaces — that work with the family’s schedule, etc);
  • Destigmatization of domestic abuse,  and transcended perspectives of gender roles.

Together, we can help break the cycle of systemic domestic abuse.


Learn more at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv

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Call/Text 520.909.3888 or Email feliciachew19@gmail.com for more information.  Contribute to breaking the cycle at http://www.feliciachew.com/support

November 21, 2019 Update

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So, I am not in jail. Nine individuals came to support me at my hearing, and at least seven others were thinking of me during my hearing. What happened at the hearing?

I made the decision just minutes before the hearing to accept the help of an attorney who a friend connected to me. At the hearing, the attorney asked for much of what I had been asking for over eight years (apparently this Judge has been with us for three years)… and it was granted.

**********

Perspective #1. I threw in the towel. I raised the white flag. I surrendered. I am a loser.

Perspective #2. In spite of being a beautiful, intelligent and amazing woman, I was never going to heard because those who were supposed to be hearing me as I speak are unable to hear what I have to say, because of who I am.

==========

Note #1. Me calling myself beautiful, intelligent and amazing is not narcisstic… it is me giving my self positive cognition after being told for over 20 years that I am funny looking, unintelligent, and selfish by abusers.

Note #2. About people not able to hear me. Here is another individual: This individual rates all of my Pages with a 1 star, with the comment “another Felicia Chew page”. At one point, we were friends. But something flipped this individual to beginning this practice of harassment. In an attempt to end the cycle, I sent a private message to the individual. No response. Just continued 1 star ratings with the same comment “another Felicia Chew page.” I am unable to delete the comments, so I decided to use the Report feature in Facebook (I know, many of ya’ll hate that feature). I decided to block the individual two days ago.

##########

Question #1. Why did I wait so long to block the individual?

Question #2. Why did the individual “flip”?

Question #3. Could I have done more to get these individuals to hear me?

Question #4. Why didn’t I have an attorney?

———-

Answer #1. Empathy. My greatest strength, my greatest weakness.

Answer #2. Unknown, as the individual has not communicated with me. Or, if they did, I blocked it as a result of my PTSD, and not being ready to hear the message at the time.

Answer #3. No. At least not at the time. *I* could not do more. Somebody else might gave been able to do something, but *I* could not do more.

Answer #4. I did… many years ago. However, due to
a. getting some *really* bad advice from an attorney at SALA (resulted in the Judge being disgusted with me and believing that I was a harlot and terrible person, who needed an Order that read: “No men in (my) bedroom”);
b. followed by having a non-trauma informed attorney who was willing to give my most “prized possession” to an individual who had destroyed many of my “prized possessions”;
c. to an attorney who was afraid and unable to admit they were afraid and then proceeded to him on my then boyfriend…;
d. and then to not being able to afford an attorney because there are *so* many situations like mine (#TheSameButDifferent) that there just are not enough attorneys for everyone…

…I had to end my attorney-client relationships, and I was unable to secure a new attorney due to lack of funds.

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Analysis.
Re Answer #4 … I have learned that some folks really cannot hear because they have implicit biases and/or blocks. These may be due to a variety of reasons, including having experienced ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), undiagnosed mental health challenges, and having unresolved trauma (this is the reason for #TranscendTucson http://www.feliciachew.com/transcendtucson and http://www.facebook.com/86elevatetucson).

Re. Answer #3 … it kills me. It kills me inside. I feel useless. Helpless. Some folks would say I am playing the victim card. Some folks would say I relapsed into the pit of being a victim. Some folks would say I retreated into Gethsemane. Some folks would say I am the turtle retreating into safety (Gethsemane). Relapsed into the pit of being a victim (addicted to being a victim). Manipulative (playing the victim card).

My opposition in Court call me manipulative. They asked for $50/day sanctions to force me to comply with an Order.

Some of my supporters see the fact that I have an attorney now as a gift from God. (Side story: I once believed *strongly* in God, and I was a worship leader, prayer leader, bible study leader, small group leader, youth leader, 5-day Club teacher, and a teacher in a Catholic school…. but after being a part of a group that believed that women should not speak in discussion groups, and that excessive discipline to the point of children being “disciplined” to the point of being unable to walk, and being terrified… I left the church).

Re. Answer #2 … it is frustrating and disappointing. How can a problem be resolved when the individual is unwilling to speak with me? Again, maybe the individual tried, and I did not hear because of my trauma (an explanation, not an excuse). To that end, I have formed the team Transcend Tucson with the help of my mentor (who is super smart), and now we have a movement to address the need for change in Courts, including written policy to guide Courts, attorneys, and workers in delivering justice and breaking the cycle of trauma in parents and kids.

Re. Answer #1. Choose Humanity. Empathy. Wisdom. I am told that these concepts are too broad. I think they need to be broad… broad enough to encompass #EachOfUs and #AllOfUs, not just some of us.

++++++++++

Next Steps:
1. Self-care
2. “Family first”
3. Transcend Tucson.

#WeGotThis #ExplanationsNotExcuses #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching

□□□□□□□□□□

Thank you again to everyone who has been supporting me in my journey, for loving me, praying for me, caring for me… and even hating me. Thank you for believing in me.

/Felicia

 


20190615_204048Felicia Chew Community Projects (Tucson, AZ) 520.909.3888 / feliciachew19@gmail.com

What does it mean to Choose Humanity, Empathy, and Wisdom?

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Choose means…remembering that

  • Things are not black and white
  • There are more than two options
  • A choice includes purposeful action and purposeful inaction
  • A choice includes inaction

Humanity means…

  • Human rights for each of us and all of us
  • Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

Empathy means…

  • Putting ourselves in others’ shoes
  • Forgiving ourselves
  • Forgiving others

Wisdom means…

  • Knowing that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
  • Knowing that none of us is perfect
  • Knowing that we have choice
  • Knowing that we do the best that we can
  • Knowing that we do not know what we do not know
  • Knowing that we do know what we do know
  • Knowing that we have value
  • Knowing how to let go of that which we cannot change
  • Knowing that we are limited in power
  • Knowing that we respond in crisis due to fear
  • Knowing that we are human, capable of reason
  • Knowing that we have the ability to choose.

Choose Humanity, Empathy, and Wisdom means:

  • To do the right thing, always — no matter what others do
  • To take time aparts whenever needed
  • That we recognize that policies, budgets, and accountability and enforcement helps keep our systems healthy.
  • To  Vote for Felicia Chew for Pima County Supervisor – 2020 – District 3, and for others who work to provide safe spaces with freedoms, liberties, restorative and transformative practices, and continuous improvement in our systems, so that each us and all of us (not just some of us) may have access to (and opportunity for) health and happiness for ourselves, our children, and our communities.

20190715_173058This site hosted by Felicia Chew Community Projects (Tucson, AZ).  Learn more about becoming a supporter of our work to end systemic domestic violence on our Support Our Projects and our Support Our Campaign Pages.  Connect with us through our Contact Page, or via Phone/Text at 520.909.3888, or via e-mail at feliciachew19@gmail.com




 


 

Check-In. September 21, 2019. You might be an abuser if you…

FB_IMG_1569079664199Check-In:  In the work that I do, to end systemic domestic violence, you may feel a variety of emotions.

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1. If you were or are a victim, you may feel a surge of emotions.  Some folks call that being triggered.  That’s normal.  Realize that you are still healing.  Breathe.  Remember what you learned about being in crisis, and about crisis response.  You might want to fight.  You might want to run (flight).  You might not be able to think or move or breathe (freeze). Ground yourself.  Breathe.  Do your self-care.  Detach.  Disengage.  Breathe.  Call the 24/7 domestic violence support line at 1.888.428.0101, or call/text me at 520.909.3888.  Call your friend who supports you.  Breathe.  Write a letter to yourself.  Breathe. Breathe.  Breathe.  Relax your jaw.  Relax your tongue.  Relax your toes.  Breathe.  Relax your fingers.  Relax your scalp.  Relax your eyelids.  Breathe. Ground yourself… breathe.

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2. If you read something I wrote, and respond in 3 seconds with a lengthy paragraph justifying your choices (totally normal)…  Realize that you might be part of the problem of the cycle of abuse.  When you are dismissive of what others are feeling, especially of individuals who are trying to escape the cycle, you are making things worse.  YOU are engaging in the Drama Triangle, where there is a victim, a perpetrator, and a rescuer (YOU).  This cycle of abuse is not, and should not, be about YOU.  Stop it.  Go heal yourself and stay away from the victim and the perpetrator.  Coddling makes things worse.  Enabling makes things worse.  It may sound counterintuitive because YOU want the victim to understand that they have responsibilties.  Believe me… they KNOW that.  They KNOW it because they have been abused physically, emotionally, sexually, religiously, financially, psychologically, or mentally…. they have been blamed, shamed, guilted, beat down until they are broken spirits.  Don’t beat them down further.  Be quiet.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.  Breathe.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.  Breathe.  Repeat.  Help the victim help themselves.  They don’t need to go from one co-dependency to another.

FB_IMG_15690796607043. If you are blaming and trying to shame others… you are part of the problem.  You are an abuser.  Truth hurts.  Actually for you, it doesn’t hurt.  You are the one belittling me, attacking me, calling the cops on me, devaluing me, and encouraging others to do the same.  I don’t hate you.  I am a humanitarian.  My greatest weakness is being a humanitarian, and you know that.  You don’t like that about me, and you see it as weak.  You are afraid of me because you know that I see through you.  Here’s the hope and truth I leave you with:

FB_IMG_1569079664199I believe you were doing the best that you could, based on your life experiences and your knowledge.  You didn’t see another way.  You were blocked.  You were a victim…. and you don’t want to believe that, because you were taught that it is not okay to be weak.  So you pumped yourself up.  You put on your big boy/ big girl pants.  You tried to force others to do the same.  Here’s the thing… they would do it in your presence because they were afraid to disobey you.  But when the cat was away, the mice would play.  And then you would be angered, and you would respond (some would say you would react) with more actions to control and manipulate that person to do what you wanted.  You might have done it Ted Bundy style or you might have done it with kool-aid, or with physical violence and intimidation.  Stop.  Stop it.  Stop the cycle.  Breathe.  It’s not your fault.  I love you.  I don’t know you.  But I love you.  I am sorry for the pain you went through.  I am sorry for the pain you caused.  I forgive you.  I won’t forget it, but I will forgive it.  And I will continue to work for systems, policies, budgets, that provide programs to heal these generations of unhealthy practices that have been allowed for generations.

/Kalamajong

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If your tummy is churning…. breathe.

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Learn more about breaking the cycle of domestic violence at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv


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Contact us at http://www.feliciachew.com/contact

Support us at http://www.feliciachew.com/support

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Follow us on twitter at http://www.twitter.com/feliciachew19

Find Felicia on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/86fish11


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Turn Up For What? – September 14, 2019. U of A incident involving three young men, a racial slur, and assault.

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With full knowledge, that I may be criticized for my comments regarding the recent assault at the University of Arizona… https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2361352340617527&id=116026255150158&sfnsn=mo

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I came across a comment in the thread that read: “I still don’t believe they should be in this university. They should be black balled from attending any higher education facility less they want to be known for supporting bigotry and racism.”

To which a response asked the writer to use the word banned or excluded instead of “blackballed”, to which the writer took offense. My response follows:

—–

“I think the point is that there is implicit bias in our language, and in order to make real change, people need to accept responsibility and be more mindful (and intentional) in creating a culture for all of us. (On a side note, I understand that folks are doing the best that they can, and don’t want to be distracted from what they consider the “problem”. A less dismissive response would be: “Thanks for that heads up. I’ll use banned or excluded instead”).

Let’s empower one another. Let’s have solidarity against uneducated folks. Let’s have solidarity against alcohol abuse. Let’s have solidarity against abuse of power.

#StayFocused #EmpowerOneAnother #ListenBelieveBeKind #Solidarity”

—–

Racism exists and is integrated in our language. I am guilty of using terms that are offensive to others.

Example: I was absolutely clueless during my 2017 campaign, and it caused significant damage to the campaign. My team was able to help resolve the situation; however the sense of trust was broken. Broken trust is difficult to rebuild. Coupled with my views on choosing humanity, empathy, and wisdom (because I have seen that the cycle of domestic violence perpetuates with our current systems), and the fact that I am asking for changes (most folks don’t even ask what I am trying to change)…

—–

Next Steps:
1. Admit when we are wrong.
2. Forgive (don’t forget).
3. Be consistent with the offender. What did you do? Why was it not okay? What will you do instead? You took something that was not yours to take. How can you make it better? Breathe.
4. Have empathy for the victim. I am so sorry for what happened. You must have felt helpless and afraid and powerless. They took something that was not theirs to take. What can help you feel better? Breathe.
5. Don’t fan the flames. Find a real solution. It is so easy to change the situation into the Drama Triangle. In the Drama Triangle, someone must be blamed, and someone must be innocent, and someone is the rescuer. Quit trying to claim the fame of being the rescuer. It’s not about you. It’s about all of us. It’s about our children. It’s about generational violence. Don’t want to help? Fine. Don’t help. Get out of the way though, and stop interfering with those who are doing the work.

#GetOutOfTheWay #YouAreImportantAndTheCenterOfYourWorldButNotTheCenterOfTHEWorld #EgoBlasted #TurnUpForWhat

“It’s not your fault” — a message to family and friends who witnessed acts of domestic violence.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Something often not discussed is the guilt of family members who witnessed domestic violence/abuse,  but did not prevent the violence/abuse.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

It is important to develop the mantra, and repeat it.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

As a witness of domestic violence, it is easy to have guilt and shame put upon you. “Why didn’t you say something?!” “Why didn’t you do something?!” “Why didn’t you call someone?!”

As a witness of domestic violence, you most likely didn’t do or say or call because you were terrified.  You witnessed the violence and abuse upon your loved one, whether it was a human family member, or a furry family member, or a favorite doll.  Whether it was an uncontrolled rage, or a super controlled rage… it was uncomfortable, and most likely frightening to you. “I don’t want that rage on me.” “They deserved it.  They were bad.” “…we repeat the lies and excuses that the abuser espouses.

We laugh when we see videos of people smashing inanimate objects.  We excuse the behavior.  To a certain extent, events like pumpkin smashes are healthy.  Those opportunities release the adrenaline that is surging through the body.  We are taught that running releases endorphines.  We are told to go DO something.

What if that behavior is only appropriate in certain situations (as often behaviors are)?

What if what we really need to do is strengthen our minds, and prepare for the attacks of the abuser/violent offender?

We know that physical pain and deformities are reminders of the violence and abuse that was endured.  However, it is our mind that causes us to become hopeless and either lash out, or contemplate suicide.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Breathe.

Listen to your gut.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

  • Set boundaries.
  • Tell the perpetrator, “No, thank you.  Leave me alone.  Leave us alone.”
  • Call for help.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Realize there was nothing you could do at the time to prevent the abuse and violence.  Forgive yourself.  Then, resolve to educate yourself on what causes domestic violence, and what causes vulnerable people.  Then act on it.

Remember:  We can neither control nor change others.  However,  we can find ways to help make things better, by speaking up when we see the cycle, or when we suspect the cycle.

That process may entail the victim lashing out at us, or shutting us out.  If there is that emotional roller coaster, something is amiss.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.

  • Listen to what the victim tells you, and listen for what isn’t said, but what actions show.
  • Believe your gut.
  • Be kind in your words to your loved one, and be kind to yourself.   Don’t blame.  Don’t shame.  Remind yourselves you did the best that you could.  Find an outside independent party, like a therapist who understands what domestic violence looks like.  Learn about the cycle of domestic violence:  The honeymoon period, the normal days, the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon…  Learn about coercive control and manipulation.

Remember: Talking to someone about suicide won’t cause them to commit suicide.  Talking to someone about being something does not make them that thing.  Talking allows the opportunity to bring forth the truth.

If you are concerned about a friend or family member, or you are experiencing feelings of shame or guilt, or something just doesn’t feel right, you can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse toll free, 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101, or call/text the Domestic Violence Support Services  for resources and referrals at 1.520.909.3888.

You are not alone.  It is not your fault.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.


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Learn more about the cycle and lies of domestic violence and abuse, and what you can do to help end the cycle.  Visit us at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv  We believe you.  It is time for you to believe you.  If you need permission to believe, you have it.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete. “

What YOU can do if YOU are in an abusive relationship

People will tell you to “just leave”… but if you are an empath (which you most likely are), it is not so easy to “just leave”.

The root of domestic violence is not anger.  The root of domestic violence is the need for control.  This may exist because the abuser did not have control when they were younger.  Maybe they were bullied.  Maybe they had super strict parents.  Maybe the kid they had a crush on embarrassed them in front of others.   Maybe they were guilted and shamed, and they felt like they had no control.   Because of this unresolved trauma, they were never able to process healthily through their emotions.   They were stuck.

Regarding the victim,  they may also have experienced the same life changing experiences… being bullied, intimidated,  shunned by their crush… but instead of trying to control others, they turned to pacifying, and trying to appease others.  They never learned to set boundaries.  They never learned to say No.  In fact, they were probably made to feel selfish and bad when they tried to speak up.

So, what can you do?  Not in any order, but numbered for discussive purposes:

  1. Become educated on narcissism
  2. Become educated on sociopathy
  3. Become educated on empathy
  4. Become educated on Adverse Childhood Experiences
  5. Become educated on trauma
  6. Become educated on unresolved trauma
  7. Become educated on manipulation
  8. Become educated on victimization
  9. Become educated on active listening
  10. Become educated on love versus control
  11. Become educated on emotional maturity and immaturity
  12. Become educated on crisis response
  13. Become educated on the cycle of abuse
  14. Become educated on passive aggressiveness
  15. Become educated on distraction
  16. Learn to love yourself
  17. Learn about negative and positive cognition
  18. Learn how to set boundaries and maintain them
  19. Find a supportive person*
  20. Breathe

*You can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101.  You can also call/text 520.909.3888 for resources and referrals.

We are sorry you are going through this.  We believe you.  We believe in you.

#TheSameButDifferent

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Mailing address 917 E Pastime Road, Tucson, AZ 85719 Web http://www.feliciachew.com Call/text 520.909.3888   Facebook   Twitter