November 21, 2019 Update

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So, I am not in jail. Nine individuals came to support me at my hearing, and at least seven others were thinking of me during my hearing. What happened at the hearing?

I made the decision just minutes before the hearing to accept the help of an attorney who a friend connected to me. At the hearing, the attorney asked for much of what I had been asking for over eight years (apparently this Judge has been with us for three years)… and it was granted.

**********

Perspective #1. I threw in the towel. I raised the white flag. I surrendered. I am a loser.

Perspective #2. In spite of being a beautiful, intelligent and amazing woman, I was never going to heard because those who were supposed to be hearing me as I speak are unable to hear what I have to say, because of who I am.

==========

Note #1. Me calling myself beautiful, intelligent and amazing is not narcisstic… it is me giving my self positive cognition after being told for over 20 years that I am funny looking, unintelligent, and selfish by abusers.

Note #2. About people not able to hear me. Here is another individual: This individual rates all of my Pages with a 1 star, with the comment “another Felicia Chew page”. At one point, we were friends. But something flipped this individual to beginning this practice of harassment. In an attempt to end the cycle, I sent a private message to the individual. No response. Just continued 1 star ratings with the same comment “another Felicia Chew page.” I am unable to delete the comments, so I decided to use the Report feature in Facebook (I know, many of ya’ll hate that feature). I decided to block the individual two days ago.

##########

Question #1. Why did I wait so long to block the individual?

Question #2. Why did the individual “flip”?

Question #3. Could I have done more to get these individuals to hear me?

Question #4. Why didn’t I have an attorney?

———-

Answer #1. Empathy. My greatest strength, my greatest weakness.

Answer #2. Unknown, as the individual has not communicated with me. Or, if they did, I blocked it as a result of my PTSD, and not being ready to hear the message at the time.

Answer #3. No. At least not at the time. *I* could not do more. Somebody else might gave been able to do something, but *I* could not do more.

Answer #4. I did… many years ago. However, due to
a. getting some *really* bad advice from an attorney at SALA (resulted in the Judge being disgusted with me and believing that I was a harlot and terrible person, who needed an Order that read: “No men in (my) bedroom”);
b. followed by having a non-trauma informed attorney who was willing to give my most “prized possession” to an individual who had destroyed many of my “prized possessions”;
c. to an attorney who was afraid and unable to admit they were afraid and then proceeded to him on my then boyfriend…;
d. and then to not being able to afford an attorney because there are *so* many situations like mine (#TheSameButDifferent) that there just are not enough attorneys for everyone…

…I had to end my attorney-client relationships, and I was unable to secure a new attorney due to lack of funds.

<><><><><><><><><><>

Analysis.
Re Answer #4 … I have learned that some folks really cannot hear because they have implicit biases and/or blocks. These may be due to a variety of reasons, including having experienced ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), undiagnosed mental health challenges, and having unresolved trauma (this is the reason for #TranscendTucson http://www.feliciachew.com/transcendtucson and http://www.facebook.com/86elevatetucson).

Re. Answer #3 … it kills me. It kills me inside. I feel useless. Helpless. Some folks would say I am playing the victim card. Some folks would say I relapsed into the pit of being a victim. Some folks would say I retreated into Gethsemane. Some folks would say I am the turtle retreating into safety (Gethsemane). Relapsed into the pit of being a victim (addicted to being a victim). Manipulative (playing the victim card).

My opposition in Court call me manipulative. They asked for $50/day sanctions to force me to comply with an Order.

Some of my supporters see the fact that I have an attorney now as a gift from God. (Side story: I once believed *strongly* in God, and I was a worship leader, prayer leader, bible study leader, small group leader, youth leader, 5-day Club teacher, and a teacher in a Catholic school…. but after being a part of a group that believed that women should not speak in discussion groups, and that excessive discipline to the point of children being “disciplined” to the point of being unable to walk, and being terrified… I left the church).

Re. Answer #2 … it is frustrating and disappointing. How can a problem be resolved when the individual is unwilling to speak with me? Again, maybe the individual tried, and I did not hear because of my trauma (an explanation, not an excuse). To that end, I have formed the team Transcend Tucson with the help of my mentor (who is super smart), and now we have a movement to address the need for change in Courts, including written policy to guide Courts, attorneys, and workers in delivering justice and breaking the cycle of trauma in parents and kids.

Re. Answer #1. Choose Humanity. Empathy. Wisdom. I am told that these concepts are too broad. I think they need to be broad… broad enough to encompass #EachOfUs and #AllOfUs, not just some of us.

++++++++++

Next Steps:
1. Self-care
2. “Family first”
3. Transcend Tucson.

#WeGotThis #ExplanationsNotExcuses #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching

□□□□□□□□□□

Thank you again to everyone who has been supporting me in my journey, for loving me, praying for me, caring for me… and even hating me. Thank you for believing in me.

/Felicia

 


20190615_204048Felicia Chew Community Projects (Tucson, AZ) 520.909.3888 / feliciachew19@gmail.com

What does it mean to Choose Humanity, Empathy, and Wisdom?

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Choose means…remembering that

  • Things are not black and white
  • There are more than two options
  • A choice includes purposeful action and purposeful inaction
  • A choice includes inaction

Humanity means…

  • Human rights for each of us and all of us
  • Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

Empathy means…

  • Putting ourselves in others’ shoes
  • Forgiving ourselves
  • Forgiving others

Wisdom means…

  • Knowing that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
  • Knowing that none of us is perfect
  • Knowing that we have choice
  • Knowing that we do the best that we can
  • Knowing that we do not know what we do not know
  • Knowing that we do know what we do know
  • Knowing that we have value
  • Knowing how to let go of that which we cannot change
  • Knowing that we are limited in power
  • Knowing that we respond in crisis due to fear
  • Knowing that we are human, capable of reason
  • Knowing that we have the ability to choose.

Choose Humanity, Empathy, and Wisdom means:

  • To do the right thing, always — no matter what others do
  • To take time aparts whenever needed
  • That we recognize that policies, budgets, and accountability and enforcement helps keep our systems healthy.
  • To  Vote for Felicia Chew for Pima County Supervisor – 2020 – District 3, and for others who work to provide safe spaces with freedoms, liberties, restorative and transformative practices, and continuous improvement in our systems, so that each us and all of us (not just some of us) may have access to (and opportunity for) health and happiness for ourselves, our children, and our communities.

20190715_173058This site hosted by Felicia Chew Community Projects (Tucson, AZ).  Learn more about becoming a supporter of our work to end systemic domestic violence on our Support Our Projects and our Support Our Campaign Pages.  Connect with us through our Contact Page, or via Phone/Text at 520.909.3888, or via e-mail at feliciachew19@gmail.com




 


 

Check-In. September 21, 2019. You might be an abuser if you…

FB_IMG_1569079664199Check-In:  In the work that I do, to end systemic domestic violence, you may feel a variety of emotions.

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1. If you were or are a victim, you may feel a surge of emotions.  Some folks call that being triggered.  That’s normal.  Realize that you are still healing.  Breathe.  Remember what you learned about being in crisis, and about crisis response.  You might want to fight.  You might want to run (flight).  You might not be able to think or move or breathe (freeze). Ground yourself.  Breathe.  Do your self-care.  Detach.  Disengage.  Breathe.  Call the 24/7 domestic violence support line at 1.888.428.0101, or call/text me at 520.909.3888.  Call your friend who supports you.  Breathe.  Write a letter to yourself.  Breathe. Breathe.  Breathe.  Relax your jaw.  Relax your tongue.  Relax your toes.  Breathe.  Relax your fingers.  Relax your scalp.  Relax your eyelids.  Breathe. Ground yourself… breathe.

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2. If you read something I wrote, and respond in 3 seconds with a lengthy paragraph justifying your choices (totally normal)…  Realize that you might be part of the problem of the cycle of abuse.  When you are dismissive of what others are feeling, especially of individuals who are trying to escape the cycle, you are making things worse.  YOU are engaging in the Drama Triangle, where there is a victim, a perpetrator, and a rescuer (YOU).  This cycle of abuse is not, and should not, be about YOU.  Stop it.  Go heal yourself and stay away from the victim and the perpetrator.  Coddling makes things worse.  Enabling makes things worse.  It may sound counterintuitive because YOU want the victim to understand that they have responsibilties.  Believe me… they KNOW that.  They KNOW it because they have been abused physically, emotionally, sexually, religiously, financially, psychologically, or mentally…. they have been blamed, shamed, guilted, beat down until they are broken spirits.  Don’t beat them down further.  Be quiet.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.  Breathe.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.  Breathe.  Repeat.  Help the victim help themselves.  They don’t need to go from one co-dependency to another.

FB_IMG_15690796607043. If you are blaming and trying to shame others… you are part of the problem.  You are an abuser.  Truth hurts.  Actually for you, it doesn’t hurt.  You are the one belittling me, attacking me, calling the cops on me, devaluing me, and encouraging others to do the same.  I don’t hate you.  I am a humanitarian.  My greatest weakness is being a humanitarian, and you know that.  You don’t like that about me, and you see it as weak.  You are afraid of me because you know that I see through you.  Here’s the hope and truth I leave you with:

FB_IMG_1569079664199I believe you were doing the best that you could, based on your life experiences and your knowledge.  You didn’t see another way.  You were blocked.  You were a victim…. and you don’t want to believe that, because you were taught that it is not okay to be weak.  So you pumped yourself up.  You put on your big boy/ big girl pants.  You tried to force others to do the same.  Here’s the thing… they would do it in your presence because they were afraid to disobey you.  But when the cat was away, the mice would play.  And then you would be angered, and you would respond (some would say you would react) with more actions to control and manipulate that person to do what you wanted.  You might have done it Ted Bundy style or you might have done it with kool-aid, or with physical violence and intimidation.  Stop.  Stop it.  Stop the cycle.  Breathe.  It’s not your fault.  I love you.  I don’t know you.  But I love you.  I am sorry for the pain you went through.  I am sorry for the pain you caused.  I forgive you.  I won’t forget it, but I will forgive it.  And I will continue to work for systems, policies, budgets, that provide programs to heal these generations of unhealthy practices that have been allowed for generations.

/Kalamajong

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If your tummy is churning…. breathe.

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Learn more about breaking the cycle of domestic violence at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv


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“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Turn Up For What? – September 14, 2019. U of A incident involving three young men, a racial slur, and assault.

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With full knowledge, that I may be criticized for my comments regarding the recent assault at the University of Arizona… https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2361352340617527&id=116026255150158&sfnsn=mo

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I came across a comment in the thread that read: “I still don’t believe they should be in this university. They should be black balled from attending any higher education facility less they want to be known for supporting bigotry and racism.”

To which a response asked the writer to use the word banned or excluded instead of “blackballed”, to which the writer took offense. My response follows:

—–

“I think the point is that there is implicit bias in our language, and in order to make real change, people need to accept responsibility and be more mindful (and intentional) in creating a culture for all of us. (On a side note, I understand that folks are doing the best that they can, and don’t want to be distracted from what they consider the “problem”. A less dismissive response would be: “Thanks for that heads up. I’ll use banned or excluded instead”).

Let’s empower one another. Let’s have solidarity against uneducated folks. Let’s have solidarity against alcohol abuse. Let’s have solidarity against abuse of power.

#StayFocused #EmpowerOneAnother #ListenBelieveBeKind #Solidarity”

—–

Racism exists and is integrated in our language. I am guilty of using terms that are offensive to others.

Example: I was absolutely clueless during my 2017 campaign, and it caused significant damage to the campaign. My team was able to help resolve the situation; however the sense of trust was broken. Broken trust is difficult to rebuild. Coupled with my views on choosing humanity, empathy, and wisdom (because I have seen that the cycle of domestic violence perpetuates with our current systems), and the fact that I am asking for changes (most folks don’t even ask what I am trying to change)…

—–

Next Steps:
1. Admit when we are wrong.
2. Forgive (don’t forget).
3. Be consistent with the offender. What did you do? Why was it not okay? What will you do instead? You took something that was not yours to take. How can you make it better? Breathe.
4. Have empathy for the victim. I am so sorry for what happened. You must have felt helpless and afraid and powerless. They took something that was not theirs to take. What can help you feel better? Breathe.
5. Don’t fan the flames. Find a real solution. It is so easy to change the situation into the Drama Triangle. In the Drama Triangle, someone must be blamed, and someone must be innocent, and someone is the rescuer. Quit trying to claim the fame of being the rescuer. It’s not about you. It’s about all of us. It’s about our children. It’s about generational violence. Don’t want to help? Fine. Don’t help. Get out of the way though, and stop interfering with those who are doing the work.

#GetOutOfTheWay #YouAreImportantAndTheCenterOfYourWorldButNotTheCenterOfTHEWorld #EgoBlasted #TurnUpForWhat

“It’s not your fault” — a message to family and friends who witnessed acts of domestic violence.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Something often not discussed is the guilt of family members who witnessed domestic violence/abuse,  but did not prevent the violence/abuse.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

It is important to develop the mantra, and repeat it.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

As a witness of domestic violence, it is easy to have guilt and shame put upon you. “Why didn’t you say something?!” “Why didn’t you do something?!” “Why didn’t you call someone?!”

As a witness of domestic violence, you most likely didn’t do or say or call because you were terrified.  You witnessed the violence and abuse upon your loved one, whether it was a human family member, or a furry family member, or a favorite doll.  Whether it was an uncontrolled rage, or a super controlled rage… it was uncomfortable, and most likely frightening to you. “I don’t want that rage on me.” “They deserved it.  They were bad.” “…we repeat the lies and excuses that the abuser espouses.

We laugh when we see videos of people smashing inanimate objects.  We excuse the behavior.  To a certain extent, events like pumpkin smashes are healthy.  Those opportunities release the adrenaline that is surging through the body.  We are taught that running releases endorphines.  We are told to go DO something.

What if that behavior is only appropriate in certain situations (as often behaviors are)?

What if what we really need to do is strengthen our minds, and prepare for the attacks of the abuser/violent offender?

We know that physical pain and deformities are reminders of the violence and abuse that was endured.  However, it is our mind that causes us to become hopeless and either lash out, or contemplate suicide.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Breathe.

Listen to your gut.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

  • Set boundaries.
  • Tell the perpetrator, “No, thank you.  Leave me alone.  Leave us alone.”
  • Call for help.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Realize there was nothing you could do at the time to prevent the abuse and violence.  Forgive yourself.  Then, resolve to educate yourself on what causes domestic violence, and what causes vulnerable people.  Then act on it.

Remember:  We can neither control nor change others.  However,  we can find ways to help make things better, by speaking up when we see the cycle, or when we suspect the cycle.

That process may entail the victim lashing out at us, or shutting us out.  If there is that emotional roller coaster, something is amiss.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.

  • Listen to what the victim tells you, and listen for what isn’t said, but what actions show.
  • Believe your gut.
  • Be kind in your words to your loved one, and be kind to yourself.   Don’t blame.  Don’t shame.  Remind yourselves you did the best that you could.  Find an outside independent party, like a therapist who understands what domestic violence looks like.  Learn about the cycle of domestic violence:  The honeymoon period, the normal days, the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon…  Learn about coercive control and manipulation.

Remember: Talking to someone about suicide won’t cause them to commit suicide.  Talking to someone about being something does not make them that thing.  Talking allows the opportunity to bring forth the truth.

If you are concerned about a friend or family member, or you are experiencing feelings of shame or guilt, or something just doesn’t feel right, you can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse toll free, 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101, or call/text the Domestic Violence Support Services  for resources and referrals at 1.520.909.3888.

You are not alone.  It is not your fault.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.


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Learn more about the cycle and lies of domestic violence and abuse, and what you can do to help end the cycle.  Visit us at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv  We believe you.  It is time for you to believe you.  If you need permission to believe, you have it.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete. “

What YOU can do if YOU are in an abusive relationship

People will tell you to “just leave”… but if you are an empath (which you most likely are), it is not so easy to “just leave”.

The root of domestic violence is not anger.  The root of domestic violence is the need for control.  This may exist because the abuser did not have control when they were younger.  Maybe they were bullied.  Maybe they had super strict parents.  Maybe the kid they had a crush on embarrassed them in front of others.   Maybe they were guilted and shamed, and they felt like they had no control.   Because of this unresolved trauma, they were never able to process healthily through their emotions.   They were stuck.

Regarding the victim,  they may also have experienced the same life changing experiences… being bullied, intimidated,  shunned by their crush… but instead of trying to control others, they turned to pacifying, and trying to appease others.  They never learned to set boundaries.  They never learned to say No.  In fact, they were probably made to feel selfish and bad when they tried to speak up.

So, what can you do?  Not in any order, but numbered for discussive purposes:

  1. Become educated on narcissism
  2. Become educated on sociopathy
  3. Become educated on empathy
  4. Become educated on Adverse Childhood Experiences
  5. Become educated on trauma
  6. Become educated on unresolved trauma
  7. Become educated on manipulation
  8. Become educated on victimization
  9. Become educated on active listening
  10. Become educated on love versus control
  11. Become educated on emotional maturity and immaturity
  12. Become educated on crisis response
  13. Become educated on the cycle of abuse
  14. Become educated on passive aggressiveness
  15. Become educated on distraction
  16. Learn to love yourself
  17. Learn about negative and positive cognition
  18. Learn how to set boundaries and maintain them
  19. Find a supportive person*
  20. Breathe

*You can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101.  You can also call/text 520.909.3888 for resources and referrals.

We are sorry you are going through this.  We believe you.  We believe in you.

#TheSameButDifferent

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Mailing address 917 E Pastime Road, Tucson, AZ 85719 Web http://www.feliciachew.com Call/text 520.909.3888   Facebook   Twitter

Morning Pages – August 17, 2019

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Stop the stigmatism, judgment, hate, and guilt.

Planned Parenthood provides healthcare for women, not just abortions.

My name is Felicia Chew, and I am a former worship team, bible study, prayer group leader. I believe that (a) the Holy Spirit is in each of us; (b) Some individuals may have a different name for the Holy Spirit; (c) We are all connected through the Spirit.

That being said, during the time of the Kings, the People asked God to give them a King. In spite of God’s warnings, clarification questions, and comments of what it would mean to live under a King (and not God), the People chose God.

That being said, a sperm and a egg create a zygote which becomes a fetus. Is the Spirit of God present in that embryo? Yes. The Spirit always exists, whether it is in embryo form, human form, or another form. If that form ceases to exist, that Spirit moves away from that form, and is still a part of the Spirit.

That being said, Scriptures teach us that one of the deadly sins is lust. What comes from lust? Sex. What comes from sex? Babies. What happens when people have no interest in the babies, and consider them to be only a “by-product” of lust? Stigmatism. Judgement. Hate. Guilt.

What comes of being a victim of stigmatism, judgment, hate, guilt? A desire and need to get rid of whatever is causing the stigmatism, judgment, hate, guilt — aka abortions.

We know that women were performing self-abortions, and dying, at high rates before abortions became “legal”.

We also know that many families are burdened with children who they have difficulty caring for.

What’s the solution? Planning for a baby, and ensuring the potential parents are ready for children… having a Planned Parenthood.

Unfortunately, like many systems in our society, processes are changed, and programs are changed through another deadly sin – slothfulness. With individuals being slothful, plans are only half-formed, if formed, and ill-formed.

The Judges come out, and further stigmatize, judge, hate, and guilt the potential parents. So, in shame, they choose to rid themselves of the source of the stigma, judgment, hate, and guilt.

What’s the solution? There are many potential paths. The ones I like are:

(1) Sex Education, with honesty, without fear. Having sex feels good. Check out the Book of Songs. Sex is not a sin.

(2) Connect barren couples who want children with those who conceive; do it without it costing an arm and a leg and a spleen; do it without stigma, judgment, hate, and guilt.

That’s it. My two suggestions.

Who hurts when we argue over pro-life, pro-choice, you’re wrong, you’re right? We do. Our children do.

#StopTheShame #StopTheBlame #StopTheFear #SpeakTruth #StopHurtingOurselves


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Breathe.


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Be satisfied.

 


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If you need it:
I give you permission to be free and to be happy.
❤💜💙


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Domestic violence isn’t about love or hate.
It’s about
control.

It’s about
Making you feel less than.

It’s about
Minimizing and diminishing you.

It’s all about them.

I give you permission to
Breathe.
Be free.
Be happy.

If you’re not a victim or a survivor of
Domestic violence,
You don’t understand.
You can’t understand.
You won’t understand.

That’s not a judgment about you
Or your abilities
Or inabilities.

It’s just a fact.

When you have experienced prolonged
Abuse of power and control,
You are
Taken and
You lose yourself.
You are in a rut
And even when you think you are out of the rut
You are still in the rut.

Your mind has experienced trauma.
Positive cognitions
EMDR
Mindfulness
CBT
can help, and will help.

Be patient with yourself.
I give you permission to heal in your time.
In your space.
I give you back
Control over your life.
I am sorry for your experiences.

Breathe
Be free
Be happy.


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Because I get self-focused and don’t say it enough:
Thank you. And…
I’m sorry.

Thank you for the times you have
Lifted me up
Given me permission
Validated me
Called me on something
Held me accountable
Trusted me
Forgiven me

I’m sorry for anytime you felt that I was not present
Or did not respond the way you hoped I would
Or if you felt like I ignored you
Or if you felt less than because of me.

As an explanation —
I have anxiety.
I don’t like large crowds.
I don’t like being the center of attention.

You might be saying:
But you (fill in the blank)

I have been told that I am an extrovert.
I have fooled myself into being something that I really am not.

I have done it out of necessity, out of survival.
That being said,
I love people.
I love humanity.

I hate people’s selfishness, judginess, and hatred.
I hate people trying to control others.

Hate is not a bad word.
Anger is not a bad word.

Crying is not a bad action.

Shaming and guilting others… that’s the problem.
So if all ya’ll who shame and guilt others would stop,
That’d be nice.

/peace


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

It’s 2a.m.

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#TheSameButDifferent

I wake up at 2am
Every day
At 2am
And I used to lay there
Rigid straight flat
As a board
Not moving a muscle
Afraid almost almost afraid
To breathe
To draw
Your attention to me
As you worked?
Watched porn?
Communicated with “God”?

I don’t know what it was
That you were doing
But I knew
There would be hell to pay
If you knew
That I knew
What you
Were doing.

So I lay there
Hardly moving moving hardly
And tried to go
Back
To sleep
But the harder I tried
The more I stayed awake.

So I just laid there.

And waited.

I wake up at 2am.
You’re lying by me.
I close my eyes
And fall back asleep.

I wake up.
It’s 6am
I slept through the night.
I was so relieved relieved so was I.

I wake up
It’s 2am
No one in the bed
Beside me.
I’m alone.
I lie there.
I sit up.
I stand up.
I create.
I draw.
I breathe.

Because I am not alone.
I am here.
Present
Able to share my story my story able to share

Thank you
For letting me share
At 2am

—–

http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv


Please join us at the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness Series in Downtown Tucson on the first two Mondays, last two Tuesdays, and 2nd Sunday at The Screening Room.  Learn more about the Series at http://www.feliciachew.com/dvas .  Learn more about helping to end systemic domestic violence at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv

Morning Pages – July 24, 2019

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https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10220113137443374&id=1373474795

Who am I? Someone who has empathy for a porcupine trying to take a bubble bath.

#MorningPages


https://www.good.is/articles/racist-plane-speaking-spanish

Who am I? I am someone who asks: When the man asked the woman to “Please stop speaking Spanish, was he..

… yelling at her?
… asking politely?
… overstressed because he was returning from a visit to a place where he did not understand what people were saying?
… triggered from PTSD?

That being said, it would behoove us to…

… be sure we are not overusing the word “racist” and jumping to conclusions.
… listen to people’s intent, and not just be impacted.
… ask clarifying questions.
… be kind.
… do the right thing, even when no one else is.

Q. Why is it important to do the right thing even when others are not?
A. Because our children are watching, and listening, and learning.

Q. Why is it important to have civil discourse?
A. Because violence begets violence begets violence (and it intensifies)

Q. Is this considered “pandering”?
A. No.

Q. Why are so many people upset?
A. People are upset because they have not taken time to process through the current events, and most likely any adverse childhood experiences. With unresolved trauma, people remain in a mild state of crisis and survival mode, which results in fight, flight, and freeze. People are fighting.

Q. What can we do?
A. Accept personal responsibility. Accept community responsibility. Listen. Ask clarifying questions. Think. Be still. Breathe. Be kind. Choose humanity, empathy, and wisdom.

http://www.feliciachew.com/dvas

Control versus Connection

The Situation:

Thinking about what Gabby has written (click on the image above to see the original post on Facebook):

“7 years ago we said never again after 12 people were shot and killed at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. 70 more people were injured that night, some of whom can no longer walk.

Remember them. We know how to prevent these shootings, and we owe it to victims and survivors to pass them.”

I am pausing on “we know how to prevent these shootings… pass them.”


“Pass them.”

I think she is referring to Legislation.  Ending the sale of bump stocks etc.  However, if we look at history with Prohibition, and with the current problems with drug cartels (the secret trading and deals that occur that are against the law)… we can see that legislation is really only a piece of paper.

“Passing more laws” can be helpful, so that the Court of Law can uphold them; however, even then, it is up to the interpretation of the Courts (Judges and attorneys).

Even when people overcome their fears and report secret activities that are unsafe and unhealthy for others (e.g. “secret trades”), the System can (and often does) pardons the “bad guys”, and punishes the “good guys”.

This is why it is so important to hold the systems accountable… not to run, but to stay and do what we can to make things better.

Problems in The System

What happens when the system powers are narcissistic?  You could try to remove them from power; however, their ability to influence would still exist.  Think about how “crime lords” are able to operate from behind bars.  Sure, we have seen justice served inside the prison walls to the pedophiles and those who commit crimes against the most innocent and vulnerable.  And, in my experiences, I have never heard of those involved in those murders receiving “consequences”  Maybe that’s because we secretly want those individuals to perish, but don’t want our hands to be bloodied.

(Note: One of the side effects of my trauma is that I am able to fly through an informed decision making chart more quickly than others, since I had to be able to quickly identify if any particular action would result in my abuser acting out, and blaming me.  In the world of domestic abuse/violence, we call this “walking on eggshells” when the victim is controlled by fear.  When the victim starts to realize the pattern and be more mindful,  we call this “informed decision making”).

That being said, implementing “tougher gun control / guns sense laws” only serves to further drive a wedge between “THE LEFT” and “THE RIGHT”.  Shaming and blaming occur, and the People suffer.

Personal Story

As a veteran teacher in schools (including public, Tribal, and private), a divorced parent (who has experienced domestic abuse/violence), a victim advocate (formerly for the County, and now privately for the community), I can see the corruption (like a computer file that gets corrupted by a virus) that exists in our system.

An Analogy

We need to isolate the virus.  After isolating the virus, we can attempt to find out what caused it, and the key points that require recoding (sometimes one simple flip) to transform its deadly powers into non-deadly powers.  If we try to eliminate it, it adapts, and becomes stronger.  (Consider the words “embrace” and “unbrace” which have completely opposite meanings).

This virus analogy is applicable when discussing the criminal minds in our communities.  With attempts to control a criminal mind, it becomes stronger.  So, the current American model is to punish the individual.  Sheriff Arpaio took that one step further, and worked on breaking the entire spirit of his inmates.. like some cowboys worked to break the spirit of a “wild stallion”.  I suppose people will claim that it is appropriate,  since the Bible states that man was given permission to rule over the animals and the land.

Finding the Solution

Why are these “senseless” shootings happening?

They are happening because the current American model is that the key to happiness is to have Power and Control.  Some folks have the misconception that a firearm will give them power and control.

What Can We Do?

  • Bust the myths
  • Build one another up
  • Stop blaming
  • Stop shaming
  • Listen
  • Do the right thing
  • Love one another
  • Help one another stay accountable to their desires
  • Set policies that help people stay healthy and safe
  • Spend government money on things that bring happiness and are healthy and safe for each of us and all of us
  • Speak up.  Share our stories and perspectives.
  • Have courageous conversations.
  • Recognize that each of us is beautiful, intelligent, and amazing
  • Give one another time to grow
  • Understand that we cannot control anyone else
  • Understand that we are each connected
  • Understand that a slight change in implementation can result in a huge change in outcome
  • Understand that we are dependent on one another
  • Recognize that we are a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.
  • Realize that many of us our operating in low-levels of crisis
  • Realize that many of us are high-functioning with anxiety
  • Become trauma informed
  • Have trauma informed conversations when making solutions.
  • Recognize that we don’t know what we don’t know
  • Remember that people are not mind readers
  • Realize that implicit biases exist
  • Realize that most of us are doing the best that we can
  • Realize that most of us don’t want to hurt others
  • Realize that some of us are so hurt by people and events that we don’t see value in ourselves… and when we don’t see value in ourselves and others, we are more likely to hurt others and ourselves
  • Recognize that many of us think we understand, when we understand nothing.
  • Understand that Ego and Self exist in each of us.
  • Know that I believe in us, and have faith in humanity.

Please share your stories and perspectives with us!  Email us at: feliciachewcommunityprojects@gmail.com20190615_204048