Turn Up For What? – September 14, 2019. U of A incident involving three young men, a racial slur, and assault.

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With full knowledge, that I may be criticized for my comments regarding the recent assault at the University of Arizona… https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2361352340617527&id=116026255150158&sfnsn=mo

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I came across a comment in the thread that read: “I still don’t believe they should be in this university. They should be black balled from attending any higher education facility less they want to be known for supporting bigotry and racism.”

To which a response asked the writer to use the word banned or excluded instead of “blackballed”, to which the writer took offense. My response follows:

—–

“I think the point is that there is implicit bias in our language, and in order to make real change, people need to accept responsibility and be more mindful (and intentional) in creating a culture for all of us. (On a side note, I understand that folks are doing the best that they can, and don’t want to be distracted from what they consider the “problem”. A less dismissive response would be: “Thanks for that heads up. I’ll use banned or excluded instead”).

Let’s empower one another. Let’s have solidarity against uneducated folks. Let’s have solidarity against alcohol abuse. Let’s have solidarity against abuse of power.

#StayFocused #EmpowerOneAnother #ListenBelieveBeKind #Solidarity”

—–

Racism exists and is integrated in our language. I am guilty of using terms that are offensive to others.

Example: I was absolutely clueless during my 2017 campaign, and it caused significant damage to the campaign. My team was able to help resolve the situation; however the sense of trust was broken. Broken trust is difficult to rebuild. Coupled with my views on choosing humanity, empathy, and wisdom (because I have seen that the cycle of domestic violence perpetuates with our current systems), and the fact that I am asking for changes (most folks don’t even ask what I am trying to change)…

—–

Next Steps:
1. Admit when we are wrong.
2. Forgive (don’t forget).
3. Be consistent with the offender. What did you do? Why was it not okay? What will you do instead? You took something that was not yours to take. How can you make it better? Breathe.
4. Have empathy for the victim. I am so sorry for what happened. You must have felt helpless and afraid and powerless. They took something that was not theirs to take. What can help you feel better? Breathe.
5. Don’t fan the flames. Find a real solution. It is so easy to change the situation into the Drama Triangle. In the Drama Triangle, someone must be blamed, and someone must be innocent, and someone is the rescuer. Quit trying to claim the fame of being the rescuer. It’s not about you. It’s about all of us. It’s about our children. It’s about generational violence. Don’t want to help? Fine. Don’t help. Get out of the way though, and stop interfering with those who are doing the work.

#GetOutOfTheWay #YouAreImportantAndTheCenterOfYourWorldButNotTheCenterOfTHEWorld #EgoBlasted #TurnUpForWhat

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“It’s not your fault” — a message to family and friends who witnessed acts of domestic violence.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Something often not discussed is the guilt of family members who witnessed domestic violence/abuse,  but did not prevent the violence/abuse.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

It is important to develop the mantra, and repeat it.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

As a witness of domestic violence, it is easy to have guilt and shame put upon you. “Why didn’t you say something?!” “Why didn’t you do something?!” “Why didn’t you call someone?!”

As a witness of domestic violence, you most likely didn’t do or say or call because you were terrified.  You witnessed the violence and abuse upon your loved one, whether it was a human family member, or a furry family member, or a favorite doll.  Whether it was an uncontrolled rage, or a super controlled rage… it was uncomfortable, and most likely frightening to you. “I don’t want that rage on me.” “They deserved it.  They were bad.” “…we repeat the lies and excuses that the abuser espouses.

We laugh when we see videos of people smashing inanimate objects.  We excuse the behavior.  To a certain extent, events like pumpkin smashes are healthy.  Those opportunities release the adrenaline that is surging through the body.  We are taught that running releases endorphines.  We are told to go DO something.

What if that behavior is only appropriate in certain situations (as often behaviors are)?

What if what we really need to do is strengthen our minds, and prepare for the attacks of the abuser/violent offender?

We know that physical pain and deformities are reminders of the violence and abuse that was endured.  However, it is our mind that causes us to become hopeless and either lash out, or contemplate suicide.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Breathe.

Listen to your gut.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

  • Set boundaries.
  • Tell the perpetrator, “No, thank you.  Leave me alone.  Leave us alone.”
  • Call for help.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.

Realize there was nothing you could do at the time to prevent the abuse and violence.  Forgive yourself.  Then, resolve to educate yourself on what causes domestic violence, and what causes vulnerable people.  Then act on it.

Remember:  We can neither control nor change others.  However,  we can find ways to help make things better, by speaking up when we see the cycle, or when we suspect the cycle.

That process may entail the victim lashing out at us, or shutting us out.  If there is that emotional roller coaster, something is amiss.  Listen.  Believe.  Be kind.

  • Listen to what the victim tells you, and listen for what isn’t said, but what actions show.
  • Believe your gut.
  • Be kind in your words to your loved one, and be kind to yourself.   Don’t blame.  Don’t shame.  Remind yourselves you did the best that you could.  Find an outside independent party, like a therapist who understands what domestic violence looks like.  Learn about the cycle of domestic violence:  The honeymoon period, the normal days, the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon…  Learn about coercive control and manipulation.

Remember: Talking to someone about suicide won’t cause them to commit suicide.  Talking to someone about being something does not make them that thing.  Talking allows the opportunity to bring forth the truth.

If you are concerned about a friend or family member, or you are experiencing feelings of shame or guilt, or something just doesn’t feel right, you can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse toll free, 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101, or call/text the Domestic Violence Support Services  for resources and referrals at 1.520.909.3888.

You are not alone.  It is not your fault.

“It’s not your fault.”  Hear it. Believe it.  It is truth.


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Learn more about the cycle and lies of domestic violence and abuse, and what you can do to help end the cycle.  Visit us at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv  We believe you.  It is time for you to believe you.  If you need permission to believe, you have it.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete. “

What YOU can do if YOU are in an abusive relationship

People will tell you to “just leave”… but if you are an empath (which you most likely are), it is not so easy to “just leave”.

The root of domestic violence is not anger.  The root of domestic violence is the need for control.  This may exist because the abuser did not have control when they were younger.  Maybe they were bullied.  Maybe they had super strict parents.  Maybe the kid they had a crush on embarrassed them in front of others.   Maybe they were guilted and shamed, and they felt like they had no control.   Because of this unresolved trauma, they were never able to process healthily through their emotions.   They were stuck.

Regarding the victim,  they may also have experienced the same life changing experiences… being bullied, intimidated,  shunned by their crush… but instead of trying to control others, they turned to pacifying, and trying to appease others.  They never learned to set boundaries.  They never learned to say No.  In fact, they were probably made to feel selfish and bad when they tried to speak up.

So, what can you do?  Not in any order, but numbered for discussive purposes:

  1. Become educated on narcissism
  2. Become educated on sociopathy
  3. Become educated on empathy
  4. Become educated on Adverse Childhood Experiences
  5. Become educated on trauma
  6. Become educated on unresolved trauma
  7. Become educated on manipulation
  8. Become educated on victimization
  9. Become educated on active listening
  10. Become educated on love versus control
  11. Become educated on emotional maturity and immaturity
  12. Become educated on crisis response
  13. Become educated on the cycle of abuse
  14. Become educated on passive aggressiveness
  15. Become educated on distraction
  16. Learn to love yourself
  17. Learn about negative and positive cognition
  18. Learn how to set boundaries and maintain them
  19. Find a supportive person*
  20. Breathe

*You can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101.  You can also call/text 520.909.3888 for resources and referrals.

We are sorry you are going through this.  We believe you.  We believe in you.

#TheSameButDifferent

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Mailing address 917 E Pastime Road, Tucson, AZ 85719 Web http://www.feliciachew.com Call/text 520.909.3888   Facebook   Twitter

Morning Pages – August 17, 2019

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Stop the stigmatism, judgment, hate, and guilt.

Planned Parenthood provides healthcare for women, not just abortions.

My name is Felicia Chew, and I am a former worship team, bible study, prayer group leader. I believe that (a) the Holy Spirit is in each of us; (b) Some individuals may have a different name for the Holy Spirit; (c) We are all connected through the Spirit.

That being said, during the time of the Kings, the People asked God to give them a King. In spite of God’s warnings, clarification questions, and comments of what it would mean to live under a King (and not God), the People chose God.

That being said, a sperm and a egg create a zygote which becomes a fetus. Is the Spirit of God present in that embryo? Yes. The Spirit always exists, whether it is in embryo form, human form, or another form. If that form ceases to exist, that Spirit moves away from that form, and is still a part of the Spirit.

That being said, Scriptures teach us that one of the deadly sins is lust. What comes from lust? Sex. What comes from sex? Babies. What happens when people have no interest in the babies, and consider them to be only a “by-product” of lust? Stigmatism. Judgement. Hate. Guilt.

What comes of being a victim of stigmatism, judgment, hate, guilt? A desire and need to get rid of whatever is causing the stigmatism, judgment, hate, guilt — aka abortions.

We know that women were performing self-abortions, and dying, at high rates before abortions became “legal”.

We also know that many families are burdened with children who they have difficulty caring for.

What’s the solution? Planning for a baby, and ensuring the potential parents are ready for children… having a Planned Parenthood.

Unfortunately, like many systems in our society, processes are changed, and programs are changed through another deadly sin – slothfulness. With individuals being slothful, plans are only half-formed, if formed, and ill-formed.

The Judges come out, and further stigmatize, judge, hate, and guilt the potential parents. So, in shame, they choose to rid themselves of the source of the stigma, judgment, hate, and guilt.

What’s the solution? There are many potential paths. The ones I like are:

(1) Sex Education, with honesty, without fear. Having sex feels good. Check out the Book of Songs. Sex is not a sin.

(2) Connect barren couples who want children with those who conceive; do it without it costing an arm and a leg and a spleen; do it without stigma, judgment, hate, and guilt.

That’s it. My two suggestions.

Who hurts when we argue over pro-life, pro-choice, you’re wrong, you’re right? We do. Our children do.

#StopTheShame #StopTheBlame #StopTheFear #SpeakTruth #StopHurtingOurselves


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Breathe.


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Be satisfied.

 


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If you need it:
I give you permission to be free and to be happy.
❤💜💙


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Domestic violence isn’t about love or hate.
It’s about
control.

It’s about
Making you feel less than.

It’s about
Minimizing and diminishing you.

It’s all about them.

I give you permission to
Breathe.
Be free.
Be happy.

If you’re not a victim or a survivor of
Domestic violence,
You don’t understand.
You can’t understand.
You won’t understand.

That’s not a judgment about you
Or your abilities
Or inabilities.

It’s just a fact.

When you have experienced prolonged
Abuse of power and control,
You are
Taken and
You lose yourself.
You are in a rut
And even when you think you are out of the rut
You are still in the rut.

Your mind has experienced trauma.
Positive cognitions
EMDR
Mindfulness
CBT
can help, and will help.

Be patient with yourself.
I give you permission to heal in your time.
In your space.
I give you back
Control over your life.
I am sorry for your experiences.

Breathe
Be free
Be happy.


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Because I get self-focused and don’t say it enough:
Thank you. And…
I’m sorry.

Thank you for the times you have
Lifted me up
Given me permission
Validated me
Called me on something
Held me accountable
Trusted me
Forgiven me

I’m sorry for anytime you felt that I was not present
Or did not respond the way you hoped I would
Or if you felt like I ignored you
Or if you felt less than because of me.

As an explanation —
I have anxiety.
I don’t like large crowds.
I don’t like being the center of attention.

You might be saying:
But you (fill in the blank)

I have been told that I am an extrovert.
I have fooled myself into being something that I really am not.

I have done it out of necessity, out of survival.
That being said,
I love people.
I love humanity.

I hate people’s selfishness, judginess, and hatred.
I hate people trying to control others.

Hate is not a bad word.
Anger is not a bad word.

Crying is not a bad action.

Shaming and guilting others… that’s the problem.
So if all ya’ll who shame and guilt others would stop,
That’d be nice.

/peace


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

It’s 2a.m.

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#TheSameButDifferent

I wake up at 2am
Every day
At 2am
And I used to lay there
Rigid straight flat
As a board
Not moving a muscle
Afraid almost almost afraid
To breathe
To draw
Your attention to me
As you worked?
Watched porn?
Communicated with “God”?

I don’t know what it was
That you were doing
But I knew
There would be hell to pay
If you knew
That I knew
What you
Were doing.

So I lay there
Hardly moving moving hardly
And tried to go
Back
To sleep
But the harder I tried
The more I stayed awake.

So I just laid there.

And waited.

I wake up at 2am.
You’re lying by me.
I close my eyes
And fall back asleep.

I wake up.
It’s 6am
I slept through the night.
I was so relieved relieved so was I.

I wake up
It’s 2am
No one in the bed
Beside me.
I’m alone.
I lie there.
I sit up.
I stand up.
I create.
I draw.
I breathe.

Because I am not alone.
I am here.
Present
Able to share my story my story able to share

Thank you
For letting me share
At 2am

—–

http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv


Please join us at the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness Series in Downtown Tucson on the first two Mondays, last two Tuesdays, and 2nd Sunday at The Screening Room.  Learn more about the Series at http://www.feliciachew.com/dvas .  Learn more about helping to end systemic domestic violence at http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv

Morning Pages – July 24, 2019

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https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10220113137443374&id=1373474795

Who am I? Someone who has empathy for a porcupine trying to take a bubble bath.

#MorningPages


https://www.good.is/articles/racist-plane-speaking-spanish

Who am I? I am someone who asks: When the man asked the woman to “Please stop speaking Spanish, was he..

… yelling at her?
… asking politely?
… overstressed because he was returning from a visit to a place where he did not understand what people were saying?
… triggered from PTSD?

That being said, it would behoove us to…

… be sure we are not overusing the word “racist” and jumping to conclusions.
… listen to people’s intent, and not just be impacted.
… ask clarifying questions.
… be kind.
… do the right thing, even when no one else is.

Q. Why is it important to do the right thing even when others are not?
A. Because our children are watching, and listening, and learning.

Q. Why is it important to have civil discourse?
A. Because violence begets violence begets violence (and it intensifies)

Q. Is this considered “pandering”?
A. No.

Q. Why are so many people upset?
A. People are upset because they have not taken time to process through the current events, and most likely any adverse childhood experiences. With unresolved trauma, people remain in a mild state of crisis and survival mode, which results in fight, flight, and freeze. People are fighting.

Q. What can we do?
A. Accept personal responsibility. Accept community responsibility. Listen. Ask clarifying questions. Think. Be still. Breathe. Be kind. Choose humanity, empathy, and wisdom.

http://www.feliciachew.com/dvas

Control versus Connection

The Situation:

Thinking about what Gabby has written (click on the image above to see the original post on Facebook):

“7 years ago we said never again after 12 people were shot and killed at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. 70 more people were injured that night, some of whom can no longer walk.

Remember them. We know how to prevent these shootings, and we owe it to victims and survivors to pass them.”

I am pausing on “we know how to prevent these shootings… pass them.”


“Pass them.”

I think she is referring to Legislation.  Ending the sale of bump stocks etc.  However, if we look at history with Prohibition, and with the current problems with drug cartels (the secret trading and deals that occur that are against the law)… we can see that legislation is really only a piece of paper.

“Passing more laws” can be helpful, so that the Court of Law can uphold them; however, even then, it is up to the interpretation of the Courts (Judges and attorneys).

Even when people overcome their fears and report secret activities that are unsafe and unhealthy for others (e.g. “secret trades”), the System can (and often does) pardons the “bad guys”, and punishes the “good guys”.

This is why it is so important to hold the systems accountable… not to run, but to stay and do what we can to make things better.

Problems in The System

What happens when the system powers are narcissistic?  You could try to remove them from power; however, their ability to influence would still exist.  Think about how “crime lords” are able to operate from behind bars.  Sure, we have seen justice served inside the prison walls to the pedophiles and those who commit crimes against the most innocent and vulnerable.  And, in my experiences, I have never heard of those involved in those murders receiving “consequences”  Maybe that’s because we secretly want those individuals to perish, but don’t want our hands to be bloodied.

(Note: One of the side effects of my trauma is that I am able to fly through an informed decision making chart more quickly than others, since I had to be able to quickly identify if any particular action would result in my abuser acting out, and blaming me.  In the world of domestic abuse/violence, we call this “walking on eggshells” when the victim is controlled by fear.  When the victim starts to realize the pattern and be more mindful,  we call this “informed decision making”).

That being said, implementing “tougher gun control / guns sense laws” only serves to further drive a wedge between “THE LEFT” and “THE RIGHT”.  Shaming and blaming occur, and the People suffer.

Personal Story

As a veteran teacher in schools (including public, Tribal, and private), a divorced parent (who has experienced domestic abuse/violence), a victim advocate (formerly for the County, and now privately for the community), I can see the corruption (like a computer file that gets corrupted by a virus) that exists in our system.

An Analogy

We need to isolate the virus.  After isolating the virus, we can attempt to find out what caused it, and the key points that require recoding (sometimes one simple flip) to transform its deadly powers into non-deadly powers.  If we try to eliminate it, it adapts, and becomes stronger.  (Consider the words “embrace” and “unbrace” which have completely opposite meanings).

This virus analogy is applicable when discussing the criminal minds in our communities.  With attempts to control a criminal mind, it becomes stronger.  So, the current American model is to punish the individual.  Sheriff Arpaio took that one step further, and worked on breaking the entire spirit of his inmates.. like some cowboys worked to break the spirit of a “wild stallion”.  I suppose people will claim that it is appropriate,  since the Bible states that man was given permission to rule over the animals and the land.

Finding the Solution

Why are these “senseless” shootings happening?

They are happening because the current American model is that the key to happiness is to have Power and Control.  Some folks have the misconception that a firearm will give them power and control.

What Can We Do?

  • Bust the myths
  • Build one another up
  • Stop blaming
  • Stop shaming
  • Listen
  • Do the right thing
  • Love one another
  • Help one another stay accountable to their desires
  • Set policies that help people stay healthy and safe
  • Spend government money on things that bring happiness and are healthy and safe for each of us and all of us
  • Speak up.  Share our stories and perspectives.
  • Have courageous conversations.
  • Recognize that each of us is beautiful, intelligent, and amazing
  • Give one another time to grow
  • Understand that we cannot control anyone else
  • Understand that we are each connected
  • Understand that a slight change in implementation can result in a huge change in outcome
  • Understand that we are dependent on one another
  • Recognize that we are a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.
  • Realize that many of us our operating in low-levels of crisis
  • Realize that many of us are high-functioning with anxiety
  • Become trauma informed
  • Have trauma informed conversations when making solutions.
  • Recognize that we don’t know what we don’t know
  • Remember that people are not mind readers
  • Realize that implicit biases exist
  • Realize that most of us are doing the best that we can
  • Realize that most of us don’t want to hurt others
  • Realize that some of us are so hurt by people and events that we don’t see value in ourselves… and when we don’t see value in ourselves and others, we are more likely to hurt others and ourselves
  • Recognize that many of us think we understand, when we understand nothing.
  • Understand that Ego and Self exist in each of us.
  • Know that I believe in us, and have faith in humanity.

Please share your stories and perspectives with us!  Email us at: feliciachewcommunityprojects@gmail.com20190615_204048

New Group: Help End Systemic Domestic Violence – Advocacy

The Facebook group “Help End Systemic Domestic Violence – Advocacy” has been created.  Please contact us if you would like to be added to the group

Let us do the work to update current legislative policies to include coercive control and to further protect and empower victims and survivors on the courtroom.  The welcome message to the Group is below:


FB_IMG_1556115235606Hi,

I invited you to this group because you and I at one point had a conversation about how we could make things better by helping to end systemic domestic violence. (I wrote more info in the “About/Description” of this group.)

I would like to be intentional in passing these bills in the next legislative session, and I am hoping you can help. (The drafts are at http://www.feliciachew.com/dvssleg, and a description of the work that was done is available at http://www.feliciachew.com/dvssadvocacy)

WHAT I KNOW:
The bills need sponsors (several Reps and Senators have expressed interest, including Rep Kirsten Engel, Rep Pamela Powers Hannley, Senator David Bradley and Senator Steele. I have also reached out to Rep Mitzi Epstein, Rep Alma Hernandez, Rep. Finchem, and a few other Representatives.) Former Rep Todd Clodfelter and I worked together to try to open a docket (not sure if that is the right term); however, it was too late.

WHAT I DON’T KNOW:
I have never been through this process before, so I don’t know the “due” dates, and I also don’t know what I don’t know.

WHAT I (UNDERSTAND/THINK I) NEED:
I am in need of individuals who will help in the following ways (forgive me for using my style of middle school classroom teacher je Shakespeare language… it is the language I speak):

1. Materials/Tools/Resource Gatherers – Folks to help bring information about what else is being done (there is a lot being done; however none of what is being done addresses the gaps that are included in the current drafts)

2. Editors/Commentators – Folks to read the drafts and help edit them

3. Publicity/Word Spreaders/Outreachers – Folks to get buy in from the community that Domestic Violence is real, and we need to do something differently from what we are doing

4. Testifiers – Folks who will go to the Legislative sessions to speak out.

I hope you are still interested and able in helping to make things better by helping to update the Legislative policies.

Thank you. Kalamajong,

Felicia Chew
http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv
feliciachew19@gmail.com
520.909.3888

#StopTheShame #StopTheBlame #OurChildren

“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life. Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

Excerpt from ” Breaking the Victim-Offender Cycle” (pages 2-4)

FB_IMG_1560970527192Offense #1.
– Hey, that was offensive.
– It was?
-Yeah.
-Sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive.
-Okay, I forgive you.

Offense #2.
– Hey, that was offensive.
– It was?
– Yeah.
– Sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive.
– You said that last time.
– I did?
– Yeah.
– Oh…. well. This time I mean it.
– Okay, I forgive you.

Offense #3.
– Hey, that was offensive.
– It was?
– Yeah.
– Sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive.
– You said that the last two times.
– I did?
– Yeah.
– Oh… well… maybe I should go talk to someone about that.
– Okay, I forgive you.

Offense #4.
– Hey, that was
– Offensive. You’re right. (Deep breath). I am working on it. I am sorry.
– Okay, I forgive you.

The process may take several weeks, because changing a habit is a hard thing to do. However, it is possible.

Offense #8.
– Hey,
– Offensive.
– Yeah. But I think you are doing better.
– Thanks. I’m going to keep working on it.
– Okay.

The frequency of the offenses should start to lessen, as the offender intentionally works to make things better. If the recipient shares the story with others unfamiliar with this practice (where people want things done quickly), there may be some doubt casting on the techniques.

If the scenario had been different, and after Offense #3, the offender showed no signs of remorse, this would be a red flag. The recipient could say: “Hey, thanks for hanging out, but you’re offensive, and not changing, and I am not okay with that.” The recipient could then choose to continue the relationship, or take another path. At that point, the offender could become angry, or just choose another path as well.

Whether the offender becomes angry and pursues the recipient, or chooses another path, an order of protection, or injunction against harassment could be issued. At that time, an advocate who is trained in mental health disorders should enter the scene and work with the offender, the offender’s family and friends, the recipient, and the recipient’s family and friends.

This may sound heavy-handed to individuals; however, it is important to realize that an Order of protection and an injunction against harassment can be quashed.

This also means that there should be monitoring of individuals who continue to have Orders and injunctions placed against them, and monitoring of individuals who are repeatedly the recipient’ of the offenders’ actions.

This also means individuals who are falsely accused of incidents should be “pardoned”, and the falsely accused should receive guidance on how to respond when confronted with the allegations.

This also means that individuals who harass or slander alleged offenders should be addressed, and receive educational experiences that help them understand the nature of false allegations, and how to be a better ally.

It may be observed that recipients are the instigators, and therefore they are they actual offenders.

What we know is that water can smooth the rough edges on rocks, and eventually erode rocks into sand. Our lives are full of learning and growing daily. Rocks and sands are the same but different. We can be the same but different.

That being said, wisdom tells us that we should be intentional and mindful when determining the content and the responses to conflict in institutions of education.

-“Breaking the Victim-Offender Cycle”
pages 2-4

#RockOn #BeLikeWater #Patience #Nurture


http://www.feliciachew.com

Felicia Chew on Bullying : Interacting with Parents

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My heart is sad and angry.

**NOTE: This incident was not in Tucson; however, bullying exists in public schools in Tucson. Ask the parents of kids who were pulled from the public schools.**


I read an article this morning on my Facebook feed “Mom Arrested After Entering Elementary School and Confronting Son’s Alleged Bullies” (http://www.fox2detroit.com/news/us-and-world-news/mom-arrested-after-entering-elementary-school-and-confronting-sons-alleged-bullies) tells the story of a mother who was arrested for speaking up. Was her method appropriate? What other choices did she have?

The article is another example of people not believing the victim…
The victim (and his mother) have been issued a “No Trespass” for the school. Previous to that, the victim was “isolated” for his protection.

Really? Yes, really.

I have included sections below that I found to be notable from the article, with my comments at the end of each section after the “–>”


Bullying is also a problem here in Tucson.

Schools can do better! Stop the school to prison pipeline by implementing restorative and transformative practices CORRECTLY. There is no shame in asking for help. However, schools should feel the guilt for not ensuring the safety and well-being of ALL students.

“Bullying and suicide, colloquially referred to as “bullycide”, are considered together when the cause of suicide is attributable to the victim having been bullied, either in person or via social media…The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) states that approximately 4,400 deaths occur from suicide each year. There are about 100 attempts of suicide to every 1 successful suicide. A little over 14% of students in high school consider suicide and approximately 7% of them attempt suicide. Students that are bullied are around 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims.[13] A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying. 10 to 14 year old teen girls are most likely to commit suicide based on this study. According to ABC News, nearly 30% of students are either victims of bullies or bullies themselves and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because they are scared of being bullied.[14]”(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying_and_suicide)

Matt Kopec, you took me to Court, and kept me from having the opportunity to be on the ballot for Amphitheater Public Schools. Do you realize that there is bullying in the Amphi Schools, and you have overworked and exhausted staff who unintentionally exacerbate the problem?

What are you doing to #EndBullying?

#ChewBitesBack


Here are sections I found to be notable from the article, with my comments at the end of each section after the “–>”

http://www.fox2detroit.com/news/us-and-world-news/mom-arrested-after-entering-elementary-school-and-confronting-sons-alleged-bullies

“The interaction soon got emotional, and according to a police report as well as the Greeville County School District, Jamie Rathburn was seen yelling at a group of kids and a teacher.” –> of course she is emotional! She was frustrated that the school was ignoring her and her kid!

“…pointing her finger in a threatening manner.” –> (sarcasm, and probably not politically correct to say: was she going to Poke them to death?!?)

“Beth Brotherton, director of communications for the Greenville school district said that Rathburn had admitted she did not know who the bullies were, but Rathburn insists she did.” –> abuse of power, speaking for the victim

“Brotherton said there had been several isolated incidents between Rathburn’s son and fellow classmates but she said it was nothing that would constitute bullying, which she defines as repeated behavior by a specific individual or specific group of people.” –> if this is the policy, it should be amended to includ the phrase “or pattern”

“According to Brotherton, some of the specific incidents involved another classmate making faces or telling Rathburn’s son that his haircut was “silly,” but Rathburn insists the treatment of her son was closer to harassment.
– “He was told that he was ugly, that he was stupid, nobody cared, and he was called gay, he was cussed out, and when he reported those things he was told to ignore it,” Rathburn said. –> verbal and emotional abuse. Have we not been paying attention to the number of death by suicide of bully victims?
– She says that these incidents continued to occur over the course of the school year and eventually became violent, saying that he was thrown off a ladder slide by his neck and even hit with a computer. –> of course the school will deny… they could lose their jobs! When are we going to start admitting we don’t have eyes on the backs of our heads, and we need to help our students understand that doing the right thing is more valuable than being cool?
– She said that her son had scratch marks on his neck as well as bruises and when she tried to show the principal, they did nothing. The school district, however, insists Rathburn’s allegations are simply a case of “boys playing rough.” –> enough with this “boys will be boys” attitude! They don’t need to “play rough”; they do need to expend energy. Teach them how to do it healthily and healthfully.
– “There were several different students over the course of the year who he did not get along with or weren’t the nicest kids in the room or said something unkind,” said Brotherton. –> Obviously there was a situation, and someone should have intervened.
– The child who allegedly threw Rathburn’s son off the slide was disciplined according to the school’s disciplinary guidelines, Brotherton said. –> pardon me, but “throwing someone off a slide” sounds really dangerous… I wonder what the “disciplinary guidelines” were, and if the child who did that continued to bully or harass in other ways. If not, this was apparently an effective consequence — which still begs the question : where was supervision, and why would a child think it was okay to throw someone off of a slide?!?!?
– On the day of her arrest, Rathburn had posted a video a Facebook live video where she said she was on her way to give the school a “piece of her mind,” which prompted a “concerned citizen” to inform law enforcement.” –> “concerned citizen”… where was the concerned citizen when the bullying was happening? again this all constitutes a pattern. Bullies adapt so they can survive… they are not going to do the exact same behavior over and over again, AND they are going to use more subtle techniques, coercive techniques that can result in “he said, she said”.

“Rathburn has since sincerely apologized for her behavior but says she was just fed up with how her son was being treated. –> based on the social media comments, lots of people agree with Rathburn
– She said the school had isolated her son from the rest of the class for her son’s safety but felt it was retaliation for her behavior and persistence in trying to get the school to do something about the bullying. –> punishing the victim.
“I understand what I did was wrong. Like I said, I don’t condone it. I don’t recommend it. I wish I could change it. I can’t change it though, the only thing I can do is apologize, because that is sincere, and try to push forward and put the spotlight on what the real issues are, and that’s bullying,” Rathburn said.” –> Punishing the victim

“Rathburn is currently on a no trespassing notice in which her son will not be able to return to Greenbrier Elementary School but will still be allowed to attend another school in the district. –> So maybe the problem is with someone at the school or with the policies (e.g. Administrator and/or Board Members <– they have the power, authority, and responsibility to ensure the safety and learning for ALL students).
– “Anyone who chooses by their own admission to illegally sneak into a school building, yell at a hallway full of 8 and 9-year-old children, and curse an elementary school teacher in front of those children is going to get put on a no trespass notice and not be allowed back into the school for the rest of the year,” said Brotherton.” –> I’m just wondering with all of this threat of school shootings… how was it that this mom was able to be “berating” the bullies for so long?


Bullies are likely to become perpetrators of domestic violence. Help end systemic domestic violence by ending bullying.

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http://www.feliciachew.com/enddv