Co-Parenting with a Controlling Ex-Partner

There are many different ways to be when involved with someone who abuses control. The trick is to identify how to work with those individuals.

We instinctively and defensively do not want to work with them, and that is when we need to look ahead.


“Generational Sins”

Abusers make life really difficult for their victims.  If we looked back generationally, we might see patterns, and see that it is a generational problem.

We have to ask ourselves if we want our children to get caught in the generational cycle of abuse. They are watching and learning.

Our children should be aware of the wrongs that are going on, and we should teach our children right from wrong.

But in the end, we need to learn to co-exist, even with those who abuse power and control.


Learning to Cope

We need to be flexible brained.  We also need to have a process for when someone is abusing a process, or a person.

When someone is abusing their power it becomes necessary for someone to intervene.

All people are capable of change. It takes time. If individuals cannot safely do something, they should not be allowed to engage, until they can do it safely, and without taking away someone else’s liberties.

The system is a mess right now. It is necessary to identify the problems, and identify how we can live in the system, and potentially influence change, and to let go of what we cannot control, and what we cannot influence.


Coming to Terms

We cannot control our abusers. We can influence the Court. The Court can influence our abusers.   At this point, that is the best we can do.

Agreeing to conditions with our children’s other parent is difficult to swallow. We have to watch painfully as we see our children hurting. But until the system changes, the best we can do is put up processes to protect them, and to empower them.

It can take a long time.  For example, a parent refused to take the child to sports practices for  six years. Finally, after many years of building up the child, the child was able to speak up and the parent was able to agree to allow the child to participate in the sports practices.


“We are each a piece of the puzzle of life.  Without each of us, our picture is incomplete.”

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