Breaking the Negative Emotion Cycle

by Domestic Violence Support Services

When I realize I am caught in a cycle of negative emotions (or on the verge of entering the negative emotion cycle), I talk through it.  I have realized that I become negative when I am faced with the same problem (not challenge).  I remind myself that folks are on their own journeys, and I can share wisdom, and I cannot control what they do.  I remove myself (disconnect) from the negative situation. 

There was a sitcom that I watched once where one character was lamenting to the other.  At the end of the scene, the character who was lamenting says to their friend: “Which tie are you wearing tomorrow?”  <– An understanding that the listener is present, and just letting the lamenter lament. 

IMHO, we all need to find our “What tie am I going to wear tomorrow?” peeps, who will let us lament, without judging.  ❤

Some good reads:
1. Masters of Disguise – Shame and Guilt
2. The Artist’s Way
3. Reviving Ophelia

#BreakTheCycle #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #PeaceLoveAndAppleSnacks


A Message to Perpetrators of Domestic Abuse

Hey Perp,

Yeah, you. You don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I get it. “It’s not your fault.”

You think this way because it’s what you have grown up with. Maybe you were abused (although you were taught that you were just being taught to not be a sissy or wimp.) Maybe you witnessed the adults in your life treating one another poorly. Maybe you just liked causing others pain, because it gave you some sort of feeling… when you felt nothing else.

I’m sorry you had those experiences. I’m sorry you felt unloved. I’m sorry that you didn’t make healthy connections.

And maybe when no one would connect with you in a healthy way, you realized you could MAKE others listen to you and obey you… weaker people… vulnerable people…. people smaller than you…. people not as strong as you…

And maybe you’re thinking, “Lady, you don’t know me, buzz off” (in stronger language). And you are right. I don’t know you.

Maybe you tried to reach out and connect with someone… another human, a pet, an inanimate object… and you were hurt again and again and again.

Maybe you didn’t realize that “they” weren’t ignoring you or trying to be mean, but “they” just didn’t know how to respond or how to help… because they had never been taught otherwise. They never experienced what you experienced. They never imagined it could be possible. They became afraid. Or they were busy and thought you were fine. Because maybe you didn’t know how to be vulnerable and transparent… because you had been shamed for showing emotions..

There are many maybes that could have brought you to this place of loneliness where you believe that the only way to resolve the problem is by force…. by exerting your power over someone “weaker” than you.

Hey perp, there are other ways…

By the way, if you don’t like me calling you perp, I can stop. I call you perp because I have learned that until we see with real eyes where we are in our journey, and until we can recognize real supports, and false supports, we will remain in our immature space.

So… let’s go. I know it’s hard to believe that you have become the person you are today… a perpetrator of domestic abuse. I know it’s hard to change habits… and it can be done. I know people say that malignant narcissists cannot change… I know they can. And I know that people can do great things and overcome challenges, ginormous seemingly impossible challenges… I have seen it with my own eyes.

The Journey might not be easy. Old habits may arise. Mindfulness takes time. It’s easier to find a new victim than it is to make a change. That being said…

I believe in you.

I believe





#ListenBelieveBeLove #BreakTheCycle #IBelieveInYou #TheSameButDifferent