October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We’ll be sharing information about domestic violence and abuse throughout the month.
Day One. 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 7 men will experience domestic abuse.
Day Two. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is control.
Day Three. Trauma. Triggers. Trials.
Day Four. Shame and Guilt.
Day Five. Coercive Control is not a Crime… One of the reasons that the cycle perpetuates is because Coercive Control is not identified as a crime. Mental abuse oftentimes has longer lasting effects than physical abuse. It’s time for legislators to look at domestic abuse through a different lens, so we can break the cycle of systremic domestic abuse. #EndDomesticAbuse #BreakTheCycle #DVAS2020
Day Six. The Burning Bed. “The burning bed case – when a woman killed an abusive husband.” #BreakTheCycle #EndDomesticAbuse
“The police were there and they saw she was severely beaten up… and he said right in front of the police officers: ‘I am going to kill you when they leave.’ It is the entire history that is that threat.”
#FrancineHughes #FreedomOfAllWomen #KeepThatSecretOrYoullGetBeatenUpWorse #BatteredWomen #PoliceWontArrest #ProsecutorsWontProsecute #AFamilyAffair #TheSystemHadFailed #SheCouldaSheCouldaSheCoulda #Lonely #Desperate #NotGuilty #SelfDefense #AVoiceInHerMind #SetHerFree #TheBurningBed #HisTactic #IWontDoItAgain #Embarrassed #Strangulation #SurvivorsOfDomesticViolence #HistoryOfAbuse #HistoryOfThreats #SheDidNotHaveTo #WhyDidntYouJustLeave #Calculated #Humiliated #Worthless #ClemencyProject #ItWouldaBeenMeNotHim
Day Seven. Domestic Abuse is Child Abuse. Victims of domestic abuse have experienced trauma. Trauma is a specialty and most therapists do not specialize in trauma. Traditional divorce models for families with children do not work in cases of domestic abuse. #ListenBelieveBeLove #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #SpeakTruth #BreakTheCycle
Day Eight. Did you know that the Justice System can inadvertently be proxies of abuse upon victims? Domestic abuse cases can become muddy, as the public sees the perpetrator the way the victim first saw them: charming, handsome, caring.
It is hard to believe that charming, handsome, caring individuals can become monsters in private: monsters who terrorize their victims when they are alone.
It is important to recognize that victims fall into survival mode, lashing out or becoming withdrawn, or defending their abuser (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).
To an overworked officer of the law, the perpetrator presents themselves as the victim, while the real victims are prosecuted as criminals, and children suffer.
It is only when the victims and children feel safe from the perpetrator that they will #SpeakUp: and even then, it may be hesitant and tentative, which may appear to be lies built upon lies.
Until we recognize that it is easier to believe a lie than a truth, the cycle of systemic domestic abuse will perpetuate. #ListenBelieveBeLove
Read: A Child Called It by Dave Pelzner
Watch: Sleeping With The Enemy; The Burning Bed; Enough
Proverbs 31:8-9 (NIV)
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
Abusers frequently use a strategy known as gaslighting. Victims of gaslighting often become afraid to speak up. When others who are able to speak up and advocate against the abuse, victims gain confidence to speak up for themselves.
ExtendGrace #HelperElf #BreakTheCycle #SpeakUp #ShowMeHow #HandUp #RemoveObstacles #StrengthTraining #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering #ListenBelieveBeLove #SpeakTruth
Day Ten. Did you know that Judges in Pima County are putting mothers in jail and kidnapping children? Caleb Hatch, age 10, was murdered by his parent after being given to said parent by a Pima County Judge, despite information disclosing a history of unresolved domestic abuse. Caleb was murdered as a result of divorce proceedings in the Pima County Courts.
Did you know that there are 9 mothers in the County facing jail time for their children not wanting to go with the other parent? Judges make Orders that result in mothers being in contempt of Court, and then they allege custodial interference, which currently carries a felony charge.
Did you know you have the power to vote NO on bad judges?
SpeakUp #SpeakTruth #ListenBelieveBeLove #Enough #BreakTheCycle
More About Voting for Judges in Pima County (2020): https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=182188566864537&id=108942680855793
What can you do? See something, say something: “Hey, that’s not cool.” Engage in courageous conversations. Empower victims and survivors; don’t embolden perpetrators.
#StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering #BreakTheCycle #Breathe #SeeSomethingSaySomething #SpeakUp #ListenBelieveBeLove
“Little Eyes Little Ears”. Effects of domestic abuse on our children.
Day Twelve. Why does the victim stay with the abuser? There are many reasons. One is shame and guilt.
How have some victims burdened with guilt and shame broken the cycle?
The victim learns that they might survive the abusive treatment, but someone else could die from that treatment.
The victim learns that it is okay to be angry.
The victim learns that it is okay to speak up with grace and in love.
The victim learns that they cannot control what others do.
The victim learns that forgiveness is not for the abuser; forgiveness is for themselves
#ListenBelieveBeLove #SpeakUp #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching #DVAS2020
Day Thirteen. Domestic violence is a disease that exists in all cultures and in all socio-economic levels. One of the reasons for this anomaly is that the root of domestic violence is the need for control.
When an individual does not have control (and their brain has not matured to a state of understanding that they are limited in what they can control) they do what they can to take control. They identify a victim, render them helpless, and then take what they want.
Perpetrators take what they want.
Often times, unaware community members begin what is called “victim blaming”. They focus on how the victim did not do everything they could to remove themselves from the situation. Folks forget that due to the basic need for survival, fight-flight-freeze-fawn kicks in, and victims are unable to use the higher levels of their brain functions, as the blood rushes to their extremities to survive.
Victim blaming perpetuates the cycle of domestic abuse. Perpetrator shaming perpetuates the cycle of domestic abuse.
Non trauma informed community members perpetuate the cycle of domestic abuse.
Stop victim blaming. Stop perpetrator shaming. Become educated.
#ListenBelieveBeLove #BreakTheCycle #SpeakUp #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering #DVAS2020
Domestic violence is cycle. How do we break it? Folks not entwined in the mess say that it is as easy as 1-2-3:
1. Stop the perpetrator from doing it.
2. Stop the victim from accepting it.
3. Stop the community from encouraging it.
The question: Is it that easy? What gets in the way?
For the perpetrator:
For the victim:
For the community:
Domestic violence is a cycle that is perpetuated because of the actions (and inactions) of many of us.
#BreakTheCycle #DVAS2020 #AcceptResponsibility #SpeakingTruth #NotBlaming #NotShaming #ReleaseEgo #SpeakUp #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #OurChildrenAreWatching #OurChildrenAreSuffering #RealTalk
Day Fifteen Domestic violence has layers. Many of the layers of the abuse are hidden by the perpetrator, and many of the layers of abuse are hidden by the victim. As community members, when we pay attention and listen and trust our human instincts, we can notice clues that something is amiss. Unfortunately, in today’s world, we are taught to ignore those gut feelings and ignore those clues. What might those clues look like?
1. You might notice in someone who is being victimized… Change in behavior for no apparent reason. You might notice your friend is wearing their hair a different way, or not spending as much time in activities they previously enjoyed. You might ask about them,, only to be given the cold shoulder. In a normal situation, changes are explained between friends. It is important to talk with our children about secrets, and teach them the difference between tattling and reporting.
2. You might notice in someone who is being victimized….. Explanations that don’t make sense. You might be talking with someone, and they don’t make sense with what they are saying. While the first instinct might be that they are lying, the truth may be that the victim is afraid to speak truth because they have been threatened by the abuser; in abusive situations, abusers often threaten their victims into silence, saying they will hurt the things they love (pets, toys, etc… and destroy the victim’s possessions, and injure the victim’s pets)
3. You might notice in someone being abusive… Change in behavior from being timid or mild to overconfident or cocky. Confidence is a good trait to have. However, individuals who display sudden overcockiness may be celebrating that they have found a way to control something they previously may not have had control over (for example someone they are in a relationship with).
These are not the only indicators of Domestic Abuse, and these indicators might not be evidence of Domestic Abuse. It is important to recognize that being Connected and Aware can make all the difference. If you notice something, say something. Then listen. Believe what you hear. Be love when you respond.
#BreakTheCycle #StopTheBlame #StopTheShame #SeeSomethingSaySomething #SpeakUp #SpeakTruth #ListenBelieveBeLove #DVAS2020
Day Sixteen. The cycle perpetuates because the victim and perpetrator and community fall into a strange dance that returns back to the cycle (represented by the repeated chord in between the movement of the music) : sometimes the known is more comfortable than the unknown.
More of the 2020 Domestic Violence Awareness Series : #ListenBelieveBeLove at http://www.feliciachew.com/dvas2020
Day Seventeen. Domestic Abuse isn’t about love. It’s about Control.
Day Eighteen. When survivors are healing from the trauma of domestic abuse, many struggle to find the balance in their mind, after many years of gaslighting.
Day Nineteen. Domestic Abuse begins in teen relationships. Learn the signs.
Day Twenty. Survivors may struggle with the spheres of control, influence, and concern.
Day Twenty-one. Survivors may struggle with establishing boundaries and trusting themselves, after being gaslit. Smells, sights, sounds may trigger memories of the abuse with no warning.
Day Twenty-two. You can support a loved one who has experienced domestic violence or abuse:
Day Twenty-three. Why do some survivors fall back into abusive relationships? Some survivors never completed the grieving process : someone who they loved and trusted is gone. It is normal to grieve the loss of someone. It is necessary to grieve the loss of someone who we think was someone else.. Grieving comes after change, and before healing. #ListenBelieveBeLove