People will tell you to “just leave”… but if you are an empath (which you most likely are), it is not so easy to “just leave”.
The root of domestic violence is not anger. The root of domestic violence is the need for control. This may exist because the abuser did not have control when they were younger. Maybe they were bullied. Maybe they had super strict parents. Maybe the kid they had a crush on embarrassed them in front of others. Maybe they were guilted and shamed, and they felt like they had no control. Because of this unresolved trauma, they were never able to process healthily through their emotions. They were stuck.
Regarding the victim, they may also have experienced the same life changing experiences… being bullied, intimidated, shunned by their crush… but instead of trying to control others, they turned to pacifying, and trying to appease others. They never learned to set boundaries. They never learned to say No. In fact, they were probably made to feel selfish and bad when they tried to speak up.
So, what can you do? Not in any order, but numbered for discussive purposes:
- Become educated on narcissism
- Become educated on sociopathy
- Become educated on empathy
- Become educated on Adverse Childhood Experiences
- Become educated on trauma
- Become educated on unresolved trauma
- Become educated on manipulation
- Become educated on victimization
- Become educated on active listening
- Become educated on love versus control
- Become educated on emotional maturity and immaturity
- Become educated on crisis response
- Become educated on the cycle of abuse
- Become educated on passive aggressiveness
- Become educated on distraction
- Learn to love yourself
- Learn about negative and positive cognition
- Learn how to set boundaries and maintain them
- Find a supportive person*
*You can call Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1.888.428.0101. You can also call/text 520.909.3888 for resources and referrals.
We are sorry you are going through this. We believe you. We believe in you.