What Causes Domestic Violence?

Q. What is the opposite of love?
A. Control

Q. What causes Domestic Violence?

A. Absence of empathy… and not being taught emotional maturity.

What emotional immaturity sounds like (blaming):


–  You made me –

– You need to –


Domestic Violence is emotional immaturity on steroids.  It looks like:
– Blaming –
– Playing the Victim –
– Self pity –
– Manipulation – control using weapons:

  • Weapon #1 Playing the Victim – I came home from work…. I am so tired…. Play the victim to make someone feel guilty; gaslighting
  • Weapon #2 Blasting – verbally assaulting another person with a barrage of words and/or emotions
  • Weapon #3 Intentional misinterpretation – That’s not what I said. Make you feel crazy
  • Weapon #4 One up manship – you wouldn’t talk to your brother this way; I only want beer, not heroin

Emotional Maturity must be taught – Emotional responsibility means taking total responsibility for thoughts, feelings, behaviors, choices, and perceptions.

A person’s real age is their emotional age.

Think about this… That thing that you said made you mad, what if that isn’t what made you mad? What if the person said bla bla bla, and a bag with a thousand dollars appeared… would you be mad? No? So… the words didn’t make you mad.  Your lack of being in control made you mad.


When working with others, Be aware of Victim blaming/ Manipulation… “You left your curtains open and your door unlocked. It’s your fault.” (You think…. “Ohhhhhh…  maybe it is my fault”)  No no no!  It is not your fault!!

Domestic Violence perpetrators are “teenagers”. (When you put on your glasses that show emotional age).

Did you know… Self-control and empathy can be affected neurologically  due to lack of contact during development for an overly charged limpic system?  (Note:  This should not be used as an excuse!  Just as information, so the individuals can identify strategies to bridge the gaps).


Remember: We are responsible for our own actions, and we can teach and share info…

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

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